


The Accidental Remembering of Castiel

by thelonelywriter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesia, Amnesiac Dean, Angst, Archangels, Awkward Tension, Bisexual Dean, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fights, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff, Heartbreak, Highschool AU, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Memory Loss, Sad Castiel, Sad Dean, Slow Build, Stargazing, Teenage Castiel/Teenage Dean Winchester, Tickle Fights, Truth Spells, Wings, Witches, theres more tags that i can't remember
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-02 15:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4064308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelonelywriter/pseuds/thelonelywriter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What Dean doesn't know is that Castiel has been hiding something, keeping something from him that could change everything. When a mishap on an average hunt stirs something inside each of them, it's only a matter of time before what lay hidden arise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Truth Be Told

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first time posting a chaptered work, so I'm a little new at this, mind you. I don't know how often I'll update, I may post a new chapter soon, depending on what people think of it. Anyways, hope you enjoy!

It wasn't supposed to happen like this, honest to God. It was a complete accident. It was an accident that sparked something though, something that refused to sleep. It was a hunt like any other, however, it was a particularly difficult one, so Castiel had tagged along to make sure nothing went wrong. It was an especially hellacious djinn that had been feeding off multiple people; it was extremely powerful, even more so than the last one Sam and Dean had dealt with. So, in order to avoid being sent into a comatose state, they went in with a solid plan, Cas playing as backup in case anything went wrong, because of course, he was Castiel, he could pretty much just smite the damn thing.

They got in no problem, tried to help the people that hadn't already died, when the djinn came in, sneaking up behind Sam. Dean saw him just in time to shout at him before he practically got killed, but Sam wasn't having the luckiest of days, so he ended up having a little hand to hand combat with it, furthermore being thrown against a wall. Cas started forward, hastening to get to Sam before the djinn did, but Dean was in the way. Right as Cas was moving forward, about to push Dean out of the way, Dean turned his head, the timing so impeccably perfect for their lips to meet. They weren't quite joined ideally, they were a little lopsided, and pushing together forcefully since Cas was mid-sprint towards Sam.

It wasn't technically even a kiss, it was a freak accident, a weird little mishap that should never have been talked about again; but no. It didn't work that way, not for Castiel, and not for Dean. Cas skidded, his feet ceasing from their previous speed. Dean stood there, the room tilting. His lips were on Cas'. Castiel's lips were on his. And he would never admit to this, but his eyes fluttered for just a moment because deep in the pit of his stomach something that lay hidden stirred. Something that was always supposed to stay hidden. It wasn't a real kiss, a true, proper kiss- but it was something. And for Castiel, well, he had quite the reason for stopping short. He didn't mean to do this, he knew Dean probably wouldn't speak to him for a month after this hunt was over, but it was almost worth it. There was no denying that Dean was attractive on the outside, but it was Castiel who had, after all, seen Dean's soul. He pieced it back together with his own hands. Dean always had the misconception that he was soulless, that he was ugly and greedy on the inside. Cas knew better. He knew after years and years, years Dean didn't even remember yet, he knew that the notion of his twisted soul was wrong.

The supposed "kiss" lasted only seconds, but between the two of them it had felt like minutes, or even hours. It was never anything other than that stand still lock of uneven and unsteady lips placed over each other's mouth. Never anything more. But somehow that strange little accident dawned something inside each of them, cracked something inside Castiel that was soon to break, and wash over Dean. And because of that, they were both screwed. Cas pushed forward, a little dazed and off balance, forgetting for a moment that Sam was about to be attacked by a dreadful djinn. He kept moving forward though, stumbling a bit, before tripping over his own feet. Luckily enough, Sam had stabbed the djinn before anything else happened, and looked over at Castiel who was now scrambling to get up, then over to Dean who was bright red, standing still as ever. Sam paused, breathing heavy, trying to catch his breath so he could ask either of them what the hell had just happened when Dean spoke up. "Sorry, I uh, Cas he, kinda fell and well..." He cleared his throat, shifting on his feet. "Sam could you just uh, wait here for a second I need to talk to Cas." His eyes flickered over to Cas who was trying to look anywhere other than Dean. Dean waited a couple of seconds, Castiel making no attempts to move before he simply stated, "Cas." Cas glanced over at Dean who was leaving the room, and reluctantly followed.

"Yeah, I'll just stay here guys!" Sam called out. "Thanks for the help, I appreciate not being killed!" He sat in silence, shaking his head. Whatever had just happened between the two of them, it wasn't good.

"What the fuck was that?!" Dean hissed quietly at Cas who looked nervous.

"I uh, I'm not sure," he stuttered out, unsure of what to say. Dean took a deep breath.

"Okay, well that, whatever it was, we are never speaking of it again," he said, walking away abruptly. Castiel stood for a moment, a little dumbfounded before following Dean back into the other room, where he was now arguing with Sam.

"What the hell was that?!" Sam crowed indignantly. Dean bowed his head, putting his hands up in the air.

"I know, I messed up, Cas tripped, we just got a little confused, okay?"

"Dean, I could've gotten killed," he said, narrowing his eyes.

"Yeah, that's kind of in the job description Sammy," Dean shot back, obviously starting to get irritated.

"Okay, well next time, try not to mess up." He looked over at Cas, pointing a finger. "And you, try to be a little more graceful," he said before walking away. Dean muttered something about PMS before going over to the rest of the victims, the three that were left alive. Cas came over, mojoing them back to health whilst trying to avoid Dean; but it was sort of impossible since they were the only two in the room. The air was tense, an unidentifiable sort of strain, holding the two together, yet leaving them far apart: an inexplicable dualism. Once everyone was safe and sorted out, they returned to the Impala where Dean took his place in the driver's seat, and Castiel took his in the back.

Apparently the air that had held between the two followed them into the car because everything went quiet. Dean would usually try to blast some music to escape the awkwardness or whatever tension there was, but he was too busy thinking, trying his hardest to push that incident down because Dean was a professional in the repression and denial department. But this... this... thing or whatever the hell it was was making his insides twist in confusion. He tried to think of other things, of different hunts, of things that had happened in his past, hell he tried to remember memories from Hell... but nothing worked. That damn misadventure could not sink, it refused to. It was a nasty, determined little fucker that just wanted to destroy him. "Okay, what happened back there?" Sam asked, turning to Dean. Dean sighed.

"Sam, I already told you, we messed up, what else do you want me to say?" Sam eyed him curiously.

"No, I mean, something else happened. I can tell. You guys are acting... weird." Dean clenched his jaw.

"Sam, nothing happened, I have no idea what you're talking about," he claimed surely. Meanwhile, Castiel decided he'd fair best if he just kept his mouth shut and let Dean take the wheel in this conversation.

"Dean, you're great at denial and deception, but do you really think that your own brother won't be able to tell when you're lying?" Sam asked, sass creeping into his tone.

"Dammit Sam! We are ending this conversation now!" Dean exclaimed, glaring at Sam before bringing his eyes back to the road. Sam settled into his seat with an aggravated sigh, looking out the window. No matter what Dean said, something had happened. He knew it, he could tell. Dean didn't mess up like that, and even though Cas wasn't the most graceful angel out there, he would never trip like that during a hunt. They went in there with a plan, and only something serious could mess that plan up so badly.

\---

It was no coincidence that Castiel started appearing at the bunker more often. Cas had a lot of time to ponder on what had happened. Nothing too extravagant or life-threatening was happening up in Heaven, so he would often just wander around to different places, forests, parks, places with people, or maybe with no people at all. Some days he needed solitude, he needed to meditate on what had happened. It tore him apart, it made him confused and disheveled, and he couldn't begin to understand it. It was such a small thing, such a little, tiny mishap, and it made such a difference, still. Castiel was an angel, a bazillion year old celestial being who had seen marvels of the world, he had seen wondrous things, humans, millions of humans, but he changed when he was sent to Earth, when his grace had been taken. He wasn't the same, he was... understanding. But his view on Dean hadn't changed, not once. It wavered slightly when Dean had almost given into being the Michael vessel, but it quickly came back to where it always stood. Cas had found Dean, pieced his soul together, he had seen parts of Dean that Dean probably hadn't even seen; but Castiel knew that he was special, right away he knew that Dean was... remarkable.

He always admired him, he had rebelled for him, he had shoved away the snarky comments about consorting with a Winchester made by angels, or demons, even humans. And Sam was his friend too, I mean the Winchesters, both of them, they were his friends. But he was true to his word when he said him and Dean shared a more profound bond. But now, now this had screwed that up. He had drudged up something, feelings, that he had planned on keeping, on hiding. And now with those feelings in play, damage control would have to been done. Eventually. "Hey Cas," Dean said casually, not looking up from the lore books he was eyeing. "Hello Dean," Cas stated, calmly as always. "What's up? Heavenly business, Hell business, strange sounds-like-a-case business?" Cas shifted on his feet uneasily. He knew he wasn't supposed to bring up the "kiss," but he wanted to fix things. He wanted everything to be... normal. As normal as it could be.

"I just wanted to see if you were working on a case. Or if you needed my help." Dean was about to say no because the air between them was still weird and if they started working together then Sam would start asking questions and everything would just get messy and annoying; but then he realized that he actually did need Cas' help for a case they were working. And if he didn't call Cas then Sam would and Cas was just right here so it would be easier if he just said,

"Actually, yeah there's this case in Oregon, it's one really similar to that case we worked with Veritas back when Sam was still soulless. We were sure we killed her, but the case is pretty damn similar, I dunno. It's worth checking out," he shrugged, still avoiding eye contact with Castiel. Cas nodded.

"Sure. When are you leaving?" he asked.

"Probably in the morning, I still have to check with Sam, he's out on a grocery run," he stated, closing the books and taking a sip of beer. Cas watched silently, staring at the way Dean took the bottle in his hands, the way his lips wrapped around it. Castiel had seen him do it a million times, but this time he watched the subtleties, the way his hand molded around the neck of the bottle, the slight curl of his lips. He furrowed his eyebrows, just watching, staring. Dean cleared his throat because he knew that Cas was staring. He could always feel the intensity, the heat of those blue eyes. Castiel was snapped back into the moment, his gaze falling somewhere, anywhere else. Both of them sat in silence, each falling deep into thought, unsure of what do to next. It was Cas who broke it.

"Well I'll uh, meet you then." And before another word could be spoken, the rustle of wings left the room with only Dean remaining. Dean sighed, dropping his head down to the table, running his fingers through his hair. It had been a whole damn week since their little... happening and the tense air had not shifted one single inch. Dean still couldn't look Cas in the eye, and his skillful repudiation that he used so often was still not enough for this; no, not one bit. He tried to drink it away, he tried to work it away with cases, he tried just about anything and everything to get it out of his mind but still, still, somehow it stayed in his mind, floating buoyantly amongst everything else. It. Never. Sank. And that killed Dean. He had no idea where to start with it, I mean, he didn't even want to start with it, but sometimes, just sometimes he would think about, because something that stays in your mind like that can't lay untouched forever.

He had pretty much kissed his best friend. He would never admit to enjoying it, but he would say it was... not exactly unpleasant. But dammit this was Cas, this was his nerdy angel in a trench coat. This was slightly attractive, angel who pulled him out of Hell, Cas. He liked him, he did, he had rebelled, and yeah he had pretty much caused a mess in Heaven and tried to play God and completely messed up; but Dean still forgave him. Because this was Cas. And Cas was admirable, loyal, trustworthy, kind. Dean never admitted this, but he noticed that Cas had this knack for finding beauty in everything. He saw souls, and he admired them, even if they were dirty or tarnished. Cas appreciated things that no one else could. And Dean loved that. It just made him smile. But that was enough thought to put on the subject for him, so he got up grudgingly, getting a glass of scotch and sitting at the table waiting for Sam to come back. And waiting for that stupid mess of feelings to aggravate him once again until he couldn't stand it.

\---

The drive to Oregon was... slow. The fact that the air itself felt like it could snap at any moment was enough to make Dean clench his jaw half the ride, Sam to hold his gaze only out the window, and Castiel to twiddle with his fingers. Sam was smart enough this time around to not open his mouth and just let the awkwardness settle around them like kicked up dust that falls slowly. But they all made it to the motel unscathed which was good. They did hit a slight bump in the road though when they got there. "So should we rent out an extra room for you Cas?" Sam asked, heading to the front desk. Cas shook his head.

"I don't sleep, I don't need a bed. I can just stay with you guys." Dean snorted, crossing his arms.

"And what, pull an Edward Cullen on us?" he asked, which made Castiel furrow his eyebrows.

"I am not a vampire Dean," he stated simply. Dean rolled his eyes.

"Okay, well can't you just, sit in the Impala or, I dunno, fly around somewhere?" Sam asked, trying to help the situation along because obviously, for some reason, Dean and Cas weren't on the best of terms. Cas considered what Sam had said and figured he best not aggravate Dean, which he was obviously beginning to.

"I suppose so, I can go somewhere, and be back by morning." Dean nodded.

"Great." And with that, Cas was gone, not wanting to stay any longer than he needed. Dean sighed once he left, leaning against the trunk of the car. Sam frowned a little, pausing, figuring maybe he'd try one more time to get something, anything out of Dean.

"Dean, are you okay? You've been acting... strange lately," Sam said carefully, approaching him slowly.

"Yeah Sam, I'm just peachy," he snapped sarcastically.

"Dean, seriously, what is going on? You've been acting like there's a bomb everywhere you step, and you haven't said almost anything. I don't know what's going on, but you're-"

"Okay, I get your point," Dean said, cutting Sam off with a wave of his hand. "Sam, just don't worry about it, it's none of your business, everything is fine."

"I wouldn't say things are "fine" Dean, and yeah, I do consider it my business," Sam said, taking a step towards Dean.

"Listen," Dean began, sighing. He obviously couldn't tell Sam about him and Cas, so he figured he's just bullshit his way through it. "Cas and I, we got into a little argument. We haven't settled things, so that's why the air is tense. Maybe I'm off my game, but I'm honestly just distracted, okay? It's no big, earth-shattering problem. Just a little... fight." Sam eyed him, knowing that sometimes he didn't tell the full truth, just twisted it. This time, he decided to believe him though.

"Well, you should get things settled with Cas. It's throwing you off." And with that he was heading to the front desk to check in. Dean rubbed his eyes. He should settle things with Cas, but how the fuck do you settle something like that?

\---

Just as promised, Castiel showed up at the crack of dawn, waiting for them to wake up. When they finally did, all three of them went over the case, Dean pulling up the articles of the victims whilst Sam and Cas went over some of the lore. "It just doesn't make sense," Dean mused, sitting back in his chair. "You killed her, knife dipped in dog's blood, straight through her. She can't be back, it just..." he trailed off.

"Well maybe someone is summoning her spirit from beyond the dead. I mean, it sounds strange but we have seen weirder things," Sam proposed.

"What are the other possibilities?" Dean asked, looking over the victim's obituaries for the hundredth time.

"Well, it could be witches," Cas suggested. Dean groaned.

"Seriously? Witches?" Castiel simply shrugged.

"If you're sure you killed Veritas, you are probably dealing with witches. Witches have spells for just about anything and everything. If this group of witches worshipped Veritas, they may be making attempts at following out her legacy."

"Yeah, but we killed her years ago, why would they come out now?" Sam asked, a little confused.

"Well, maybe they have been performing spells and rituals, but in less extreme ways. If this is magic, it is very ancient. They may have been building and creating spells to create a facsimile of her work."

"Well," Sam began, looking over at Dean. "That sounds pretty concrete. We should check the victim's houses for hex bags. Why don't you guys do that, I'll go check out the bodies at the coroner's." Dean's eyes widened.

"No, I can go check the bodies, you two-"

"Dean," Sam interrupted with an exasperated look. "Stop being a baby. I'm sure you two can get along perfectly fine. You don't need a babysitter." A blush crept slightly up Dean's collar as Sam went to change into his suit. Once it was just Cas and Dean in the room, Cas stood still, obviously uncomfortable, and Dean kept his eyes glued to the computer. There was not enough stress on the word awkward to describe the situation. But now Dean was thinking silently the same exact thing that Castiel had been thinking. He wanted to set things right between him and Cas. Silences like these never used to awkward or tense, just... quiet. They were comfortable. Sometimes Dean would talk and other times Cas would talk. It was nice. And now there was this strange thing undulating between the two; something neither of them dare touch, because it was dangerous. It was foreign to them (or at least they thought,) it was difficult to comprehend, it wasn't something either of them thought they would ever even think of never mind dealing with it. But now it was there, and one of them had to make some sort of move because neither of them could last like this forever.

\---

Somehow, Dean and Cas managed to miraculously trudge through the tension in the air when they went to search for hex bags. They also succeeded in finding hex bags at every house, which clarified Cas' theory. Once they all regrouped in the motel, Dean and Cas brought even more good news. "So we're pretty sure who did it, all the people who got killed shared one common enemy," Dean stated, plopping down in a chair and discarding his suit jacket.

"How sure are you about this?" Sam asked a little cautiously.

"Pretty sure," Dean replied with a shrug. "She runs a supposed, "knitting group" every Thursday." He used air quotes around the phrase 'knitting group.'

"Do you think we should go talk to her?" Cas asked. Dean snorted, popping open a bottle of beer.

"Yeah, let's go confront a witch whose using black magic to annihilate her enemies. I'm sure she'll be real understanding." Cas rolled his eyes at Dean. "Look, I think we should stake out her house during this alleged knitting group and see what's going on. Lucky for us today is Wednesday." Sam nodded his head in agreement.

"Sounds good enough to me," he claimed. Castiel sighed.

"Well, it's getting late so I'll just go out and do... angel things, I guess," he claimed before fluttering out with the sound of unfurling wings and feathers brushing. But he was lying when he said he wouldn't be watching over them. That night he watched Dean's dreams, though he watched from afar so Dean couldn't tell. He had good reason to; Cas wasn't a stalker, no of course not. But he had good reason, trust him. He closed his eyes focusing on the bond, the connection of energy that brought sights to his eyes, colorful images and movies that Dean saw in his sleep. He needed to make sure he didn't remember. The strange sort-of kiss they had was dangerous, it was dangerous because Dean could remember, remember things from the past that Castiel had buried, things he made sure he buried. There were... mistakes made in the past and he was responsible for those smudges on both their lives now. It was his fault, so he had to fix it, or at least try. And he knew that if Dean was to remember, if he was to see images that were meant to be erased, he would see them in dreams. He would see them in blurry pictures shifting and moving. So Cas watched over him, he watched his dreams, watched the things he saw.

\---

"Oh yeah, the animal bones and holding hands and chanting is definitely a form of knitting," Dean claimed sarcastically from the darkened Impala where Sam, Castiel, and him sat. Sam ducked his head, looking into the window.

"Seriously, why don't they get a basement? They're making themselves pretty obvious," he said a little heedfully.

"Maybe they're doing it on purpose," Cas suggested. "Maybe they want us to come in or they know we're out here." Dean snorted.

"So they can see the future now?" Castiel simply shrugged. "Alright well, let's go."

"Woah, Dean, is you're plan to just go in there guns blazing?" Sam asked as Dean opened the door, stepping out of the Impala.

"Yeah pretty much. Usually works." Sam sighed, getting out with Cas too.

"Dean if you're wrong I am so totally saying I told you so."

\---

Sam was right. He got to say 'I told you so.' Things did not go as, well, they weren't planned so they couldn't really mess a plan up. Of course Cas was right, they snuck in there and found out that the witches worshipped Veritas and wow, were they happy to see the Winchesters themselves, the ones who had killed her. And of course an angel as a little side dish to the main one. They immediately disarmed Sam and Dean as though it was as easy as breathing. Then of course they went on the classic rant about their plan and their anger towards these two 'incompetent imbeciles.' The one thing they forgot however was the fact that Castiel luckily enough still had his angel blade. Cas managed a way to sneak up on the leader and stabbed her, but still there were three more left to go. The others very quickly became a little confused and alarmed at this unexpected happening. Then two others were taken out via the smiting method, and the last one was stabbed; but not before she cast a spell of course. She obviously wasn't the advanced one because the spell was very simple, yet still it was effective. Once Castiel was done cleaning up another classic Winchester mess he came over to help them discover what spell it was, but it was easily figured out. "That was pretty badass Cas," Dean said. After the words escaped his mouth he looked slightly taken aback. "Why did I say that?"

"Uh-oh," Sam simply stated with wide eyes.

"Truth spell," Cas sighed. "It's a simple one, that last witch wasn't too bright." He nodded his head over to the last witch who lay on the ground covered in blood. "The purpose of it is to say what is truthfully on your mind. It will be difficult but if you try and keep your mouth shut you shouldn't embarrass yourselves too much." Sam and Dean both stared back silently. "Right." Cas nodded. "We should probably get going." Sam spoke first.

"How long will this... last?" he asked carefully, cringing at every word.

"Just a matter of hours most likely," Castiel responded, heading towards the door as Sam and Dean got up to follow him.

"Seriously? Dude I don't think I can hold on that long you do not know how many feelings I have repressed." Dean flinched at his own words as if they hurt. Sam laughed, trying to hide it but failing. Dean shot him a glare as he slid into the front seat of the car.

"Great, I can't wait to drive all the way back to the motel amidst this sexual tension." Sam's eyes went wide, his lips pressing together. Dean gave him a surprised look.

"Sam!" he screeched. Castiel watched with secret amusement, the only one who was actually staying quiet ironically enough. Dean bit the inside of his cheek, trying not to let and words spill over as he drove down the dark road adorned with street lights. "So maybe we kissed," he said in an alarmed tone, obviously trying as hard as possible to keep down. "Fuck," he muttered angrily. But his words weren't stopping, no not at all. "So it wasn't a kiss really, but I'm trying to forget it because I secretly enjoyed it," he grit out. Castiel sat up in the back seat.

"Wait, what?" he said, his eyes burning holes through Dean. Dean gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles.

"Don't be surprised Cas, Dean has probably been crushing on you for years," Sam said slowly as if trying to stop the stream of words that erupted. Dean slapped Sam's shoulder.

"I don't have a crush on you I just think you're very attractive." Dean looked mortified, blushing harder than ever. At this point it was probably impossible for either man to stop talking. Apparently the spell was a little more advanced than Castiel thought. There was a pause of silence before Sam spoke once again.

"So... you really kissed?" Dean took no time replying.

"Well our lips met. I wouldn't mind doing it again." This time it was Cas who turned red, his eyes widening.

"Dean," he said, his tone bordering a 'stop talking' and a 'keep going.'

"You're voice always gets me Cas. It's so gruff and... appealing," he spat.

"Dean you are so gay," Sam scoffed. Dean gripped the steering wheel even tighter, if possible.

"I'm not gay, I think I'm a repressed bisexual." He actually hesitated before his next sentence. It must've taken him all his willpower to try and stop it, but it came out anyways. "I fucked a couple guys back when I was in high school. Of course then I denied it, but I just remembered that. I guess I really buried that deep down." Every word sounded painful and strained, like an elastic band on the verge of snapping.

"What?!" Sam and Cas shreiked in unison. Right then, however, they pulled into the motel parking lot. Dean bolted from the car and into the motel room. Cas sat for a moment, completely shocked and unsure of what to do next. So, of course, he panicked and left, landing somewhere in Maine on a dirt road during nighttime. He honestly didn't know what to think. So Dean still felt the similar to... back then. And he had actually had relationships with guys back then. And Cas thought he was the only one.


	2. Sweet Dreams are Made of Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel can't hold the memories back for so long, so when he begins to send them to Dean through his dreams, Dean questions the legitamacy of the events he's been dreaming of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm posting this at like two 'o clock, so spare me if I've made any errors. Also, the memories are typed in italics, but let me know if that's an annoying way of signifying them. I couldn't think of any way to show that they aren't real time happenings, other than to use italics. So, feedback on that matter would be helpful. Also, I apologize for this chapter being so short, but I'll try and update soon, or at least make scheduled updates. Anywhose, enjoy! :)

That night Castiel couldn't help but remember. He had been putting it off, trying to block his own memories from coming, but he couldn't anymore. He knew he had to give Dean back what he rightfully deserved, what was his to begin with and still was. But he had held on for so long, Cas had. And Dean was so unaffected, so normal without them, the memories. And Castiel didn't want to disrupt that, he didn't want to see Dean when he was remembering. Castiel knew it was selfish, that he was selfish, but he was so unsure of how to begin things, how to explain things. So he took a deep breath, and began by remembering himself. Remembering how it had started.

~~

_Castiel had heard about the Winchesters. All he knew was that the boys, the ones who were of extreme import, were still young. But he knew from Heavenly talk that they were puzzle pieces, game pieces in a big plan. Cas hadn't gone on many missions yet, he still hadn't gone down to Earth. He was a little angel amongst bigger ones, archangels, beings with purpose. Castiel believed he had no purpose. Not until Dean Winchester. An archangel gave Cas a chance to move up the ladder in Heaven. A Winchester case. Of course this was a big deal, and it really should've gone to someone bigger and better; but the archangel told him that it was a mission from God himself. Made specially for Castiel, Angel of Thursday. Castiel had no idea why on earth God Himself would give him such an important mission, but he dared not question it. He was to watch over the sixteen year old boy, Dean. Dean was endangered on this hunt his father was going on. The sixteen year old had almost died already during said hunt and was therefore enrolled in high school until the hunt was finished. But apparently, the boy was of such importance that his fate was not to be met yet; and Castiel was to watch after the boy, to make sure he was okay. Therefore he was to find a vessel and enroll in the same school. It seemed so very silly to Castiel then. Finding a vessel was no problem, that wasn't strange; it was the school that was strange. School was certainly an odd thing. But this mission, this mission to watch after a Winchester, Dean Winchester, was a mission from God. Truly. And Castiel couldn't say no, he didn't want to say no. So he did it. He watched after Dean when he was sixteen. But Dean has no memory of this, all because Castiel couldn't understand a mission, because he had to mess things up. Cas would never forgive himself for that. But this was just the beginning of his story._

~~

"Dean you haven't talked to him in two weeks, you have to-"

"Sam shut up. It's not happening," Dean said in a casual tone, sitting down at the table in the bunker with a beer. Sam sighed.

"Dean, I know that that was awkward back there but can't you just talk to him, or just pray to him?" Sam proposed hopefully. The whole witch situation was a mortifying fiasco for both of them, but especially Dean, who refused to talk about it.

"And what would that solve?"

"Well, it would solve the fact that you are constantly getting drunk and you aren't sleeping. Dean this really tore you up, but you can't just keep up this act." Dean rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, thanks Dr. Phil," he replied, sipping his beer. Sam sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Dean can't you just get over yourself?"

"Yeah I'll get right on that." Shooting Sam a snarky smile he kicked his feet up on the table. Sam scoffed, getting up from the table and heading out the door. Dean was so distracted by his own thoughts he didn't even notice Sam was gone. Outside Sam closed his eyes, letting out a huff of air before trying his last hope.

"Dear... Castiel uh, you aren't answering your phone so I'm trying this the old fashioned way. Dean is really... upset about this whole thing and I just need you to talk to him or just I don't know, do something. Cas he's really broken up about this so just, help." He paused before opening one eye to see nothing, just the regular landscape outside the bunker. He hung his head for a moment, running a hand through his hair. "Okay. Great," he muttered before turning to go back inside. Before he could open the door, a breeze blew past.

"Sam." Sam turned to find a disheveled Castiel in front of him.

"Cas! You answered. Dean is a mess, Cas." Sam took in the sight of Castiel and furrowed his brows. "Um... Cas, no offense but you look no less better. Are you... okay?" Castiel sighed, looking down at himself.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Dean. He's not. Sam, I really doubt he wants to talk to me right now, he said a lot of things that he shouldn't have had to say. I feel awful about it. I can't fix it."

"Cas there has to be something," Sam said with exasperation. Castiel seemed to shift uncomfortably on his feet.

"Sam has he uh." He cleared his throat and tried again. "He hasn't said anything about remembering anything, has he?" The question caught Sam off guard.

"What do you mean?" he asked slowly. Cas sighed.

"Never mind it's nothing, really," he dismissed with a shake of his head. Now it was Sam's turn to shift uncomfortably on his feet.

"Cas, can I ask you something?" "Yes, sure." Sam paused, letting his words fall with trepidation. "Do you... could you... possibly feel, I don't know the same way, you know, about Dean?" Castiel froze. That was a loaded question. His answer was caught in his throat, an unsure fumbling of 'yes'' and 'no's,' each one trying to claw it's way up. He couldn't say yes, that was too easy, that wasn't the right thing to do. He hadn't even sorted the whole entire 'I need to explain that I have your memories' deal, and that was sort of a big thing. But he didn't think he had it in him to say no. This was Dean, of course he felt the same way; but God, he broke so much, he couldn't begin to fix it. And he knew Dean would be angry, he would probably hate Cas for it, I mean, how do you justify erasing memories? But was it really possible that Dean wouldn't hate Castiel, wouldn't detest his actions and his mistakes? It didn't feel that way to Cas. It felt like he was the biggest mistake himself. "Cas?" Sam's voice brought him out of his thoughts and back to where he stood in front of the bunker. Cas took a deep breath before his final answer crawled out.

"He has to remember first. I can't- it's not right if I-" He stopped, looking down to the ground. "He just has to remember," he said, his voice quiet. Half of his answer wasn't an answer, it was him trying to convince himself to let Dean get the memories back. It was him telling himself he needed to let go. Sam was completely vexed by what seemed to be Castiel's vague answer.

"What do you mean, 'remember?'" he inquired.

"I have to go Sam. It'll make sense eventually," Cas said quickly before disappearing.

"Wait- Cas!" Sam yelled at what was now air. Sam stood for a minute, still perplexed. What the hell did Cas mean by 'remember?'

\---

That night Cas let the dreams come. He knew they had to eventually, who was he kidding? And of course Castiel knew that Dean would deny the dreams, or maybe not remember them in the morning, but they would help. He couldn't stand keeping them from him any longer. And this was the only way he knew how to get them back, at least for now. They would connect one day. They would make sense. So he showed Dean the beginning, he showed everything to him from the very beginning. And they started like this.

~~

_"Dad this is so stupid! School?! Really?! Dad, I could be out hunting with you, I could be-"_

_"Dean," Dean's dad cut him off in annoyance as he cleaned his guns at the motel kitchen table. "I said no." Dean crossed his arms._

_"This is so stupid!" John glanced up at him from the table._

_"Dean the other night you almost got killed. That's why I have these, remember, I had to dodge a bullet for you?" He gestured toward stitches on his side near his ribs. Lucky enough for him the bullet only grazed him, missing Dean by only inches. Dean looked down sheepishly. "Maybe next hunt, okay? This is just one hunt son, you can sit it out, it's for your own good," he said in an almost sympathetic tone. Dean sighed angrily, grabbing his backpack and heading towards the door, Sam, who had been watching silently from afar, following him. The school was an old brick building surrounded by tall pine trees. Dean had been to schools before, he usually didn't last more than a couple weeks or even days. Usually people didn't really pay attention to him, well, the girls did, but he wasn't a big hit, he was more of a drifter. He never liked to admit it, but he was. And the first day was always the same old same old, teachers asking you where you're from, kids asking you where you're from, people handing you useless papers, things that Dean didn't really care about. But still, school was school, it was all the same, and he wouldn't just not go, Sam would probably have a hissy and tell their dad. So here Dean was, shuffling into his first class which was Biology, and listening to some teacher begin a rant on about carbohydrates or whatever. But there was one thing in that class that caught his attention. Well, person. And no, it wasn't the most popular girl at the school, it was a boy._

_A curious looking boy who looked like he just didn't quite belong. Dean accidentally made eye contact, but damn when he did, this kid had the most... alluring blue eyes ever. They were just amazing. Dean didn't think he had seen eyes that incredible on any human being, like, ever. And this kid had this unblemished skin, pale, almost porcelain, and these, these cheekbones. And he had this hair that was so messy and dark and somehow sexy at the same time. This guy looked straight up like a Greek God or a statue. And Dean would never admit this, especially now, but this kid he was staring at, caught him. Literally. Dean was making this eye contact that felt like it went on for years and he tripped... but he didn't. He could feel himself falling, his foot catching, but then this kid flicked his finger, literally just one flick; and he didn't fall. Dean didn't feel the unevenness of a fall hit him, and the foot that his had caught on was tucked under the table. And this magic kid (or at least this is what Dean called him until he knew his name) didn't even crack a smile. Dean wasn't sure what to think of this little incident, because of course hunters always have to be careful because you never know what's around the corner. Dean couldn't explain it, but this Magic Kid didn't feel like a witch, or a demon, or something awful. He felt like... something bright, something important. But Dean had promised himself, he had promised that he would never do anything with another guy. Only girls. He couldn't bring himself to keep this whole 'secretly sort-of dating a dude.' His dad would kill him and Sam would get dragged into it, and it wasn't gonna be the same if Dean turned out to be some gay hunter. So it was cold turkey._

_~~_

Dean blinked, the familiar sight of his room swimming into his view. He remembered his dream, he actually remembered it clear as a bell, which was strange. And that dream seemed so... familiar, somehow. It wasn't a normal dream for him, it was something so strangely true. He could physically feel his head wrapping around itself in confusion, he could feel something inside of him stirring, something that he felt wasn't supposed to be awake. Not an evil something, an unknown something. And soon enough a vision, a picture of him and Cas when their lips had met, and then this feeling that hit him hard inside and then another dream. But this wasn't a dream it was a... it was a memory. And it felt foreign, but soon enough it felt like a bed you fall into every night.

~~

_The next day Magic Kid was there, and Dean watched him with curiosity, as if he was a particularly strange animal in a zoo. But what amazed Dean was that this kid was watching him too. He was making a silent statement of watching Dean. Dean was equally a little happy and a little worried. But he wanted to test his theory. So after school he stayed a little late, letting Sam walk to the motel alone (something he got scolded for later on) and he watched behind him out of the corner of his eyes. And sure enough, Magic Kid was there with his ever-present blue hoodie, following Dean, still watching him. Dean went down a certain route, stopping behind the corner so he could hopefully catch this kid and at least ask him what his damn name was. Sure enough Dean caught him, actually startling the kid. "Okay, you've been watching me, I can tell. I don't even know you're name, the teacher has never called on you in class." Magic Kid just stared back blankly as if he didn't understand the question._

_"My name is Castiel." Dean's heart flipped, and he didn't know why, but it did._

_"Huh." The kid- Castiel stood there, still as a statue. "You know, you saved me yesterday. I was about to trip. Don't act like you didn't do that, I saw it," Dean said, stepping closer to him. Castiel still stared back._

_"Yes. I did." Dean paused. He thought Castiel would just call him crazy and dismiss him but he was actually owning up to it? Now that was strange._

_"Okay, Castiel, what the hell are you?" But when Dean blinked, Castiel was gone. Completely gone. Into thin air. All that was left behind was the rustle of... wings? No, it couldn't be. Dean circled himself once, slowly looking around, no one beside him in sight. What the hell was this kid?_

~~

The memory snaked through Dean's brain, through his thoughts, making him dizzy. None of this made sense, none of it, he couldn't remember anything else, just that dream, that scene, that was it. Some warped and strange picture that wasn't put together. And now he wondered if Cas had put it there. It was way off the reservation, something he shouldn't have even considered but what other explanation did he have? Castiel wouldn't do something like that, would he? I mean maybe he was pissed enough after what Dean had said during that damn truth spell that he wanted to screw with him. So Dean figured that this was really the only explanation so he, of course, stumbled out of bed, stomping out of his room. "Um, good morning..." Sam said, trailing off as Dean practically ran up the stairs towards the door. "Dean where are you-"

"Shut up Sam!" he yelled, slamming the door. Sam frowned, glancing over at the door before returning to his bowl of cereal. Dean could've called Cas but he was so pissed and confused that he didn't want to bother with a phone call, he just wanted to go outside, (where, of course, it was pouring rain) and yell at Castiel, which he could do through a prayer. "Cas, I don't know what you're doing, or what you think you're doing, but it's not funny! C'mon down here, why don't you mess with me some more, huh? What, you wanna-"

"Dean." And then Cas was there in the pouring rain, standing across from Dean whom he hadn't talked to in a month.

"Wow, I didn't think you'd actually have the balls to come down here and talk," Dean scoffed, having to raise his voice over the sound of the pounding rain. "You look like shit," he said, looking at Castiel who looked like he hadn't slept in weeks. Cas just gave him a slow blink.

"Thanks Dean." The two of them stood there for a moment, only the sound of the downpour around them to fill the silence. "I presume you're remembering now." Dean blinked.

"Okay Cas, seriously stop with the fucking games dude, I know that truth spell shit got out of hand and I'm sorry look, really I am, but I don't need you messing with my-"

"Dean you don't have to apologize. The dreams you are having are memories, they aren't coming from no where. They're real," Cas interrupted, sounding tired. Dean's head was spinning, a million different places and parts of his brain going in a million different directions. "It doesn't make sense now, but it will eventually. You probably hate me right now, you probably think I'm the cause of this and well, I am. But that's what these memories are trying to show you. I would tell you, really Dean, but I need to let you figure this out on your own. I can't let myself change your own perspective. I'm sorry." And with that he was gone. Dean stared up at the sky, the raindrops falling hard on his face. He had nothing now. Castiel was being as vague as possible and Dean had no idea what to think. So he stood in the rain, screaming at an absent Cas for half an hour. When he came back in the bunker he was dripping wet, his voice hoarse and broken. Sam watched silently as Dean stepped slowly towards the table.

"Can I ask what happened?" he asked, an eyebrow raised as Dean grabbed a bottle of Whiskey, taking large gulps before setting it down.

"No," he said simply, heading back to his room. Sam nodded, biting the inside of his cheek.

"Yup. Okay." That night Dean didn't dream of memories, he dreamt of haunting blue eyes and pale skin.

\---

The next day Sam found a case, and Dean took it, unsure if it would make things worse or better. "Okay, so tell me about the case again," Dean told Sam, the familiar feeling of being in the Impala, taking a case washing over him.

"So, I'm guessing it's just a simple salt and burn, basically a CEO of this healthcare company died, but he died from a heart attack, cancer, a stroke, AND toxic shock syndrome."

"Wow, that's a little ironic," Dean said to which Sam nodded.

"So I looked into this healthcare company and every twenty years a CEO dies of multiple health-related issues, so there's a pattern. I also looked into the history of the company and there are some definite possibilities; maybe too many."

"You know this is a crappy case, right?" Dean asked, glancing over to Sam who sighed.

"Well, my apologies Dean for wanting to get you out of the bunker and help you work off your anger."

"Jeez, okay calm down sassy," Dean said, catching Sam rolling his eyes out of the corner of his.

"I saw that."

"Do I care?" Dean shook his head.

"Bitch."

"Jerk."

\---

By the time they got to a motel and checked in it was dark out, the ride there long and tiring. After a while, a little more investigating being put into the case, Sam was fast asleep, whereas Dean lay awake, staring at the ceiling. He didn't want to fall asleep for fear of another dream. Of course, Dean had had nightmares, ones far far worse than these little dream memory things or whatever the hell they were. Somehow, these things, whatever they were, made him feel things he didn't want to feel. The past was easily a touchy subject for Dean. Now combine the past and some accidental, extremely embarrassing confessions with an angel whose motives are inconspicuous you get a worried Dean. And Dean was torn between a tortured sleep and a tortured day with no sleep. He had gone days without sleeping before, but for some reason he was so extremely stressed he needed the sleep. And it was hard to not give into when his eyes were closing on their own accord. So soon enough he had given in, and once again he was faced with memories he wasn't sure he believed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's chapter two :3 I hope you guys liked it, let me know what you thought of it! And thank you guys so so much for reading :)


	3. Truth and Doubt Are Two Best Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dreams begin to take their toll on Dean as he remembers budding feelings towards Castiel that he had years ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the summary sucks, my brain drew a blank :/ Anyways, this chapter is pretty long since I'm really bad at judging the amout of words I've written and I'm really bad at evening things out so there's that. Still the same, I hope you like it!!

_Dean was determined now. Now that this... creature, this not to mention beautiful creature was on the loose, Dean wanted to find him, he wanted to ask what he was and why on earth he was watching him the way he did. The next few days of course the kid wasn't there. But Dean knew he'd be back. He couldn't describe it, but this Castiel, he knew would be back. He could feel it. And he was right. Two days later and he was back in class, back at his seat, like a man on a ship watching his post, watching Dean. Even when his eyes weren't on Dean, or going his way, Dean could tell that Castiel's purpose was him. The question was, what did he want from Dean? So Dean went on a quest to find out what. He knew Castiel could disappear in the blink of an eye (literally) and that he was watching him. That was pretty much all he knew. But he did figure that this kid was sneaky, so Dean had to one-up him. So he got up and left the classroom, his teacher too distracted with a noisy class and papers to even notice. Dean glanced behind him to find Castiel gone. He smirked, walking down the empty hallways. He left the school, going outside to sit under a pine tree. He threw his stuff down on the needles, sitting with his back against the tree. He waited a couple minutes, reaching out to try and find that familiar presence that he felt when Castiel was near. And then he felt it, pulsating in the air around him, and he could tell that he was there. "It's okay Cas, you can come out now. I'm not gonna hurt you," Dean said as he picked at a pine needle. Castiel emerged slowly from behind a tree with a confused look on his face._

_"Cas..." he said simply as if tasting the word to see if it was appropriate. Dean grinned, looking up at him. His head was tilted, his eyebrows strung together. He looked cute like that. Like a lost puppy._

_"Yeah. Like a nickname." Cas' head only tilted to the other side when Dean said 'nickname,' making him chuckle a little. This kid was seriously cute. Though Dean wasn't here to date him, no, he had already sworn off doing that. Dean had more serious matters at hand, for example, not focusing on how cute this guy was. "What are you Cas?" he asked straightforwardly with a tint of wonder to his voice. Cas simply stared back._

_"I'm an Angel of the Lord. I'm Castiel, Angel of Thursday." There was a pause before Dean burst out laughing._

_"Dude, angels don't exist. C'mon, you got a good laugh out of me but really, what are you?" Cas blinked._

_"I told you. Dean, I'm an angel." Dean stood up, rolling his eyes._

_"Look, very funny dude, but what are you, and why are you watching me?" Dean asked, leaning against the tree. Castiel tilted his chin up a little._

_"I was sent here to watch you. It's my mission," he said pridefully. Dean snorted._

_"And who exactly is overseeing this mission?" Castiel gave him a strange look._

_"God, of course. That's who I take my orders from. Him and the archangels." Dean sighed. This guy was really stuck on this whole angel thing. Dean was thinking of testing him with rock salt and iron when Castiel spoke. "Iron and rock salt will not work on me. You are welcome to try, however." Dean's eyes widened._

_"Dude, okay, how'd you do that? Wait, did you just read my mind?" Castiel stared at Dean with those icy blue eyes._

_"You have very loud thoughts Dean, they're easy to read. Angels can read minds, yes. And yes I am an angel," he stated oh-so plainly as if it were an everyday thing. Dean stared back for a moment._

_"Okay, rule number one if you're gonna keep watching me: do NOT read my mind, okay? It's freaky, and weird, and it's just, that's private stuff up there, okay?" Castiel squinted at him. "Okay, prove it. You're an angel right? Wings. You have to have wings. If you show me you're wings, I'll believe you," Dean compromised, his eyebrows raised. And he no where near actually expected wings, but then all of the sudden there was a rustle and then there were wings. Huge, gigantic, enormous, beautiful wings. They looked like magnificence in the true form of the word. And no, Dean had no faith in God, no faith in angels because to him they hadn't even existed until now; but these wings changed everything. They were this beautiful charcoal color, but they were shaded with grey, only a couple speckles of white finding their way in there. They looked like an ocean, like a shimmering sea made of lines and proportions and shading. They were pure art, a sculpture too incredible to describe._

_"You like them," Castiel said with a small smile. Dean didn't even care that he had just broke the one and only rule established, he was too amazed to even repeat rule one. Castiel ruffled his feathers, making his wings as big as they could go, proudly and shamelessly showing them off. The sunlight filtering through the trees danced across them, glimmering in colors that didn't even seem to appear. They looked purely gorgeous with the evening light flitting over them. Dean finally dragged his eyes away, finding Castiel's._

_"I believe you."_

~~

While Castiel watched the memories flood Dean's dreams, he couldn't help but smile at them. Of course he remembered them differently from Dean, but he remembered them all the same. He remembered asking Jimmy Novak, a much younger Jimmy Novak to house him, to be his vessel. And Jimmy had said yes, then resumed a normal life afterwards until Castiel came back. Jimmy Novak was, even as a teenager, a very willing and faithful boy; and Castiel had always admired that. But he remembered him, his first vessel, and how strange it felt to be on Earth for the first time. People were such odd creatures, but they were beautiful still. Cas had always admired them, but he never quite understood them, not until Dean had shown him. That was when he first understood. He understood love now, and he understood want and sacrifice and all of these other things he didn't get when he was first set on Earth. So when he went down to interact with Dean he was a little nervous, to say the least. He remembered so clearly that time when he first saw Dean, when he stopped him from tripping. A flick of the hand, a finger, and Dean was alright. Because back then, when he first got there, when he had shown Dean his wings, it was about the mission. It was about God, it was about his brothers and sisters, the archangels who were bigger and better than him. It was rank, succeed or fail, and being a soldier. But Dean soon enough showed him that it wasn't about that. And it was Dean who showed him what being human was. Even if it was for only a month or so, he had showed him so much in that time.

\---

The next day Dean woke up with what he was now officially calling a "dream hangover." It was truly mystifying how he could get seven hours of sleep, more than enough for him, and still look like he had gotten none. Even Sam noticed. "Dude, did you get any sleep last night?" he asked in the morning, watching as Dean straightened his tie, before grabbing his suit jacket.

"Yup. I got a whole seven hours. Straight." Sam raised his eyebrows, his eyes scanning Dean.

"You have got to be kidding me." Dean rolled his eyes.

"Well gee, thanks Sam. Yeah I know I look like utter crap. Now can we just go?" Sam nodded, tossing Dean the keys before following him out the door. Then, as they were getting in the car, Dean was struck by what seemed to be a foolproof idea. "Hey, uh, Sam?" Dean asked hesitantly before getting in the car.

"Yeah?" Dean bit his lip, thinking he would either look extremely insane or... just plain old insane. But he had to try.

"You don't uh, remember Pontiac, Illinois? Does that ring a bell? A case that Dad worked there and he uh, well he got shot." Dean rubbed the back of his neck. Sam gave him a curious look. Okay, so he was insane.

"That's where Jimmy Novak was from, right?" Dean thought for a second. He swore he remembered something, a sign or a map, in that dream that had said Pontiac, Illinois. And you know what, that would make sense. If Cas had inhabited Jimmy when he was a teenager, that was the only way he could explain... But what Cas said, it was all crap, it had to be, there was no way he had met Cas before he pulled him from Hell, that was impossible, right? When Cas had met him he had said, 'I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition,' not, 'Hey Dean, remember me? I had that gay fling with you were you were sixteen.' Dean just shook his head, shaking away all the questions he had, which were far far too many.

"Yeah, yeah, it is. Never mind I just, I guess, got some cases Dad worked mixed up," he dismissed as they both got in the car.

But Sam remembered what Cas had said about remembering. Given, he had no clue what Dean was remembering or why it was important, but Sam was not about to get Dean angry by asking him a bunch of questions. So, he'd go to Castiel. Castiel, who probably wouldn't give him any answers either. So it was just, 'Leave Sam out of the loop,' month apparently.

\---

Once they checked out the bodies and got back to the motel, Sam told Dean he was going out to grab a couple things, which, he was, but he was also going to meet up with Cas. He called Castiel this time, honestly not expecting him to pick up, but he did, and after Sam told him that Dean was remembering, Castiel was there in less than a wingbeat. "Cas? Cas are you-"

"Sam." Sam jumped slightly, turning around to face Castiel. "Cas... you look awful," he said looking at Cas' rumpled clothes and tired eyes.

"So I've been told," he sighed. "What is he remembering, did he say?" he asked before Sam could get in another word. Sam let out a breath of air.

"He mentioned Pontiac, Illinois, you know where-"

"Jimmy, yes, I know."

"He asked about this case that our Dad worked where he got shot, but I would've remembered that, I'm almost sure of it. But I have absolutely no recollection whatsoever."

Castiel bit the inside of his cheek. So he was getting the memories back, slowly, but surely.

"Cas, he's in really bad shape, he's getting enough sleep but he still looks like he hasn't slept in a week." Cas sighed again.

"Sam, just watch over him, please, he's in a vulnerable state right now." Sam stepped towards Castiel.

"Cas, what's going on with him? With you? I mean, both of you, you're going through this, this what? What is Dean remembering?" Castiel looked away for a second, then back at Sam.

"Sam, I can't tell you that, I can't even tell him that myself. I'm sorry that I can't do anything else, but he's getting memories back. Just think of how it was when you had all those memories from Hell come back, when you remembered them. Given, these memories aren't as bad as Hell, at least, I really hope not." Cas paused for a second before looking Sam in the eye and stepping closer. "Sam, trust me. I know what I'm doing with your brother, as long as you make sure he's okay, then everything will be alright. Just make sure he doesn't take too much on. He'll be weaker over this week and maybe the next one too. But this is for his own good, this is long overdue, honestly," Cas said, shaking his head.

Sam thought on it for a moment, whether he should press Cas for more information, or if he should just say 'alright,' and leave. For a minute he doubted Cas. Castiel wasn't always the most reliable person. But Sam begrudgingly let it go, because he did trust him with Dean, he knew that Castiel knew where his bounds were, and he knew not to overstep them. So Sam trusted him.

"Cas, you better be right about this." Castiel nodded.

"I won't let you down Sam. And I won't let Dean down either. You have my word." And with one last sympathetic smile towards Sam, he was off. Sam scoffed at the empty air around him.

"Yeah, I've heard that before."

\---

Back at the motel a restless Dean paced the dirty carpets of the motel room. He tried to sort things out, tried to get everything straight, tried to answer his own questions. But with Cas giving him no answers and Dean's body acting as if the dreams were poison, his brain couldn't quite think right. The dreams were an onslaught of unwanted feelings that were coming back up again. If there was even an again to filter into the situation. Dean had no recollection of what the dreams were showing him, not until they were there. When they were there it was as if they were more than a dream, as if they were memories trying to find their way back to him. And that's what Cas had said, right? That these were memories and they were real. But there is only an extent to which one can believe or accept, and that's exactly what Dean was refusing to do. Or at least trying to do.

None of anything that Castiel had said made sense. Talking about memories and giving them back, that was something that Dean was sure he was messing with him. Dean knew that that truth spell had pretty much screwed him over and it was just absolutely great that his best friend had to hear all those things. He honestly didn't blame Castiel if he wanted to mess with him, Dean figured he deserved it. But this didn't quite seem like the sort of thing Castiel would do. Not with the intent to harm Dean or to upset him. Which these dreams felt as though they were doing. But Dean couldn't fight the dreams forever, he couldn't just refuse sleep, his body wouldn't let him. So Dean gave in. He admitted that yes, he was giving in sooner than he should've and no, Dean Winchester was definitely not a quitter; but there was a part of him, a minuscule part that wanted to give in, to watch this movie that grew and grew. And that part of him knew this movie, these images. It knew they were real. But Dean squashed that part of himself down as far as it could go, because, and he would never admit this ever, he was worried, and maybe a little scared even. But he didn't even admit that to himself. He did give in to the dreams though, he stopped fighting them. So that night they came back, just as suspected, and they continued from where they left off.

~~

_Castiel ruffled his feathers once more before the wings were gone, as if they had vaporized into the air, as if they were a mirage. Dean just gaped at him, Cas still smiling softly with a prideful look. "Wow." Dean just stood there like an idiot, trying to gather his thoughts. An angel. A real angel. Dean never would have believed anyone if they had said angels existed, that God existed, but now here he was with this apparent guardian angel whose mission was to watch over him. It was a lot to take in, and Castiel was quiet, not explaining or re-iterating anything, just watching. Dean finally cleared his throat. "You said your mission is to watch me. Why?" Castiel's smile faded like his wings, his face growing serious._

_"You nearly met your fate, and that is not yet to happen." Dean gave him a skeptical look._

_"Okay, so when are you off duty?" Dean was equally freaked out and a little amused._

_"Once your father's hunt has been finished. Then I will return to Heaven," he claimed._

_"Look, Cas man, I hate to break it to you, but my Dad already took me off the hunt. That's why I'm here." He gestured to the school. "Besides, why the hell does Heaven want me alive? I'm just another kid, another hunter. I'm not a huge deal." Cas shook his head._

_"Dean you are an extremely important boy. You have an important future ahead of you," Castiel told him. Dean snorted._

_"What, so you come here, say you're on a mission to watch me, then tell me Heaven needs me alive. But you don't tell me why," he said, stepping closer to Castiel. Castiel held his gaze._

_"I cannot tell you why, I apologize Dean, but you cannot know your future. Not many angels in Heaven do, it is only the word of God. The imminent future is not yet foreseen by anyone but God." Dean sighed. So this angel, not to mention a cute angel, was here to watch him for a couple weeks. So what now? Was he just supposed to get on with this strange bodyguard situation, ignoring the fact that he was watching him? Dean chewed on his lip for a moment, trying to formulate a plan. He figured he'd just get a background first, see what this Castiel's deal was._

_"You said you're just an angel right, not an archangel?" he asked, to which Castiel simply nodded. "So, no offense, but why didn't they give someone else this job that you said is so important?" Castiel stood proudly, taking a breath._

_"God made it clear that it was I who watch over you. He did not explain, he simply stated that Castiel, Angel of Thursday was to watch over Dean Winchester. No one dare defy His orders, nor question them." Dean thought for a moment._

_"How many other angels are on Earth?" he asked._

_"It all depends on God's orders. Sometimes there will be thousands, other times there will be only a few."_

_"So is this like, your first time on Earth? You've been watching from the clouds until now?" Castiel nodded a bit sheepishly._

_"This is my first time observing humanity up close. It's very... strange. Humans are much different from angels." Dean gave him an amused look._

_"Well duh," he chuckled. "Do you guys have feelings and stuff like that?" Cas shook his head. Dean nodded. "Huh."_

_"We are soldiers of God, we are not meant to feel."_

_"So you're like robots of God basically?" Castiel tilted his head slightly. Dean looked in his eyes, watching him for once, watching those eyes with such an intensity he was sure Cas could feel it, though he said nothing. Dean was sure that he could feel, he was sure of it. Just because angels weren't meant to feel didn't mean they couldn't. And Dean wanted to prove that, to himself and to Castiel. Those eyes held something, a warmth that floated amidst a sea of icy blue. He could see it. Castiel was here to watch him after all, so why not put that to good use. Dean grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "C'mon," he said simply, walking away from the school. Castiel frowned, following him._

_"Dean, where are you going? You're supposed to be in school, you can't-"_

_"Yup, I can." Cas paused, as if he was unsure of what to do next._

_"Where are you going Dean?" he asked a little worriedly. Dean grinned._

_"You have to watch me, right? Well, I'm gonna put that to good use. You can feel Cas, I know you can. I'm gonna show you humanity, and I'm gonna show you what it's like to feel." Cas said nothing, following Dean._

_"Why?" he asked. Dean turned to him._

_"Because I like you Cas. You're a cool guy. Or angel, or whatever. And this is your first time on Earth. You deserve to learn how to feel. And I can show you stuff, like, I dunno know, books and food and shopping malls. Stuff you haven't seen before. Just think of me as your tour guide." Dean smiled and walked off, Castiel pausing before walking after him._

_"Dean, I'm supposed to watching after you. I cannot let you get hurt, I cannot fail my mission." Dean just rolled his eyes._

_"That's the beauty of it Cas, you're still watching me. No problem. You aren't gonna fail if you hang out with me. Besides, it's okay to disobey orders every once in a while." Cas stopped short, grasping on to the back of Dean's shirt._

_"No, it isn't," he snarled, and wow, Dean hated to admit that Castiel was a little sexy like this. Dean backed up, turning towards Cas._

_"Look, you gotta chill Cas. This isn't a big deal, you aren't really disobeying orders as long as your watching me, okay?" Castiel's grip on Dean's shirt loosened slowly. He looked up at Dean skeptically and begrudgingly. After a moment Dean continued walking, Cas sighing before keeping up behind him._

~~

Castiel watched the memory fondly. He remembered how proud he felt showing Dean his wings. Dean was the first one to ever see them. Castiel also remembered how difficult Dean was at first. Cas was so focused on the mission and the whole entire deal of watching Dean he was blind to what Dean's motives were, how he wanted to make Castiel happy, he wanted to show him the world because the world was so foreign to him. And Cas didn't understand, he didn't understand the world around him after being so rigid up in Heaven, after following orders without a thought. But Dean saw past that cold shell and saw something, a potential for something better. And Castiel was still so innocent, so afraid that he would disappoint his Father. But he would never let Dean know that, he had to make sure Dean saw him as the bigger person.

Soon enough Castiel was distracted out of his memories by Dean, who was remembering even more, this time on his own accord. The memories that Castiel had held back had been held for so long that they were beginning to fall away towards where they belonged. They belonged with Dean. And Castiel cringed every time he thought of that, of how badly he messed up, keeping his memories for so long. It wasn't right, it wasn't fair, and Cas deserved to have Dean pissed off at him. Or at least that's what he told himself. He was causing pain for Dean, and now for him too because the profound bond wasn't letting Cas off the hook that easy. It gave both of them hell, because the memories were so strong and had been held back for so long, they were mentally and physically draining. And now that Dean was remembering on his own accord, without the dreams, things would only get worse.

~~

_"Angels don't need to eat Dean," Castiel said, staring at the burger and plate of fries in front of him. Dean rolled his eyes._

_"Yeah, cool, now just try it, c'mon, it's good," he said through a mouthful of burger. Cas gave him a skeptical look, Dean nodding towards the plate in response. Castiel sighed, picking up a fry and taking a cautious bite. Dean watched carefully, the ministrations of Castiel's face difficult to read. "Well?" he asked after a moment. Cas looked over at him._

_"I can taste every molecule in this. It is not pleasing." Dean groaned._

_"Okay, well food is out the window," he said, sipping a soda. He glanced up at Cas who looked a little curious. "What?" Dean asked. Castiel stared down at Dean's drink._

_"What is that exactly?" he asked, pointing to Dean's straw. Dean chuckled._

_"It's a straw, you drink from it. It gets the drink up into your mouth." Castiel stared at it._

_"Interesting," he said, watching Dean carefully as he took another sip. Dean sat back in the booth seat, his eyes wandering before finding Castiel's._

_"Well, what next?" Castiel blinked, saying nothing, sitting completely still. Then Dean got an idea. "I know. Follow me," he said before putting a twenty down on the table to cover the food, then grabbing his back and sliding out of the booth._

_"Where are we going?" Castiel asked hurriedly as Dean pushed open the door, the fall air greeting them pleasantly._

_"So are all your five senses messed up? Like, for me, I love the smell of fall, it's one of my favorite smells. But when you smell it, do you smell, like, everything within a seventy mile radius or something?" Dean asked, walking backwards so he could face Cas who was looking him up and down._

_"Dean, please stop walking backwards, it's dangerous," was all he said. Dean laughed._

_"Dude, you caught me like a week ago when I almost tripped. You can deal with me walking backwards." Castiel narrowed his eyes._

_"You are a very difficult boy, Dean," he said, stepping in so he was closer to him. Dean grinned._

_"What, like you can't handle me?" Castiel was about to respond when Dean turned around, heading towards a park. The sight was beautiful, tall trees of all sorts in burning colors, leaves crunching beneath their feet as Dean strode over to a bench, sitting down. Dean looked up at Cas expectantly. "Well? C'mon, sit down next to me." Castiel sat down slowly, watching Dean carefully._

_"Dean what are we doing here?" he asked impatiently._

_"I'm showing you how to look like an actual human." Castiel just blinked. "You never even move a muscle, you have to act like you're human at least. And humans move and they make gestures. No sane human sits as still as a rock. So just follow after me, I'll explain as we go," he said, rubbing his hands together._

_"Dean-"_

_"Hush," Dean said, surprised when Cas actually abided by his orders. "Alright, we'll start with facial expressions, you've got those down right?" Castiel sighed._

_"Dean I can manage the movement of my facial muscles at appropriate times. I do not understand why we are doing this." Dean rolled his eyes, Castiel following suit. Dean brightened up, smiling at him._

_"See, you just rolled your eyes. That's what people do when they're irritated or frustrated. It's a sort of sassy and silent response to something." Castiel furrowed his eyebrows after watching Dean do the same. "People do that when they're thinking hard, or if they're confused." Dean explained to a quiet Cas who was playing along with Dean, watching and repeating his ministrations. After shrugging his shoulders, Dean explained once again the meaning behind it. "You do that when you're unsure or indifferent towards something, whether it be a person or statement. Sometimes you don't even have to answer to something, you can just shrug." Dean explained more movements, Castiel humoring him until he was done._

_"Why are you showing me these things?" he asked Dean, who was now sitting quietly on the bench, watching the leaves fall. Dean looked over at him with a soft smile._

_"If you're gonna follow me around all the time, you gotta look like an actual human Cas."_

_"I don't necessarily have to follow you around Dean, I can watch you from afar. I can go unnoticed by humans." Dean frowned. He didn't want to lose Cas, he wanted to show him things, show him humanity. Dean wanted to make him feel, he wanted to prove him wrong._

_"You don't have to do that Cas, I like your presence. Besides, I've got a lot more to show you," he said with a smile._

_"You like my presence?" Castiel asked slowly, as if he was unsure he was hearing Dean right._

_"Yeah, yeah I do," Dean replied._

_"Why?" Castiel questioned curiously. Dean shifted a little on the bench, trying to gather his answer. Can you even flirt with an Angel of the Lord? Would he go to Hell for that? Well, maybe it was worth it, this kid was so cute._

_"Well, to start off you're pretty cute." Cas tilted his head._

_"I'm an Angel of the Lord. I am not cute, Dean," he told him. Dean chuckled._

_"A cute Angel of the Lord," he countered. Cas sighed in exasperation. There was a moment of silence before Dean spoke. "You know Cas, you said you didn't have feelings, that angels don't have them, but I think you're wrong. I think you can feel, and I'm gonna show you that you can," he said softly. Dean looked into Cas' eyes once again, catching that warmth that floated in them. That bit of warmth was all that Dean had to go on, the only piece of hope he had towards showing Cas what being human was._

~~

The rest of the hunt was a nightmare. Dean fell asleep in the middle of Sam and his interview with the victim's families. Twice. He also had to get stitches because the ghost took advantage of the fact that he had dropped the iron crowbar he had been holding, and threw a particularly vicious punch right to his face. And then the icing on the cake was when he fell down the stairs because he wasn't looking where he was going. So Sam had to do pretty much all of the work during the hunt because Dean was having the worst luck of them all. And that's an understatement.

Dean stayed completely silent on the way back to the motel, Sam throwing him concerned glances the whole time. "Will you stop looking at me like I'm a pity case," Dean snapped.

"Dean, you kind of are," Sam responded quietly.

"Sam, I am not a pity case, okay? I'm just a little... off my game is all." Sam scoffed.

"Dean that is the biggest understatement I've heard in a while." Dean shot him a glare.

"Look, Sam I'm fine, alright? So just drop it," he declared, looking over at Sam.

"Dean, you're far from it. What is going on with you?" he inquired. Dean sighed, debating whether or not to get into it with Sam. Could he just pass it off as memories from Hell? He probably wouldn't believe that though. He knew he couldn't just be completely honest with him and say, 'Oh it's just these weird dreams that I think Cas is giving me and it turns out I might've met him before he pulled me from Hell. Also I had a crush on him. So it's a very draining process you see.' So, he twisted the truth a little. Or just left the truth out.

"It's just some nightmares, I get them every night and they're just a little draining is all." The air held tense for a moment, neither speaking.

Sam wondered if Dean would actually reply if he asked what they were about, but he knew Dean, and he knew that he wouldn't. So Sam just went quiet with a sigh, leaving Dean alone and watching the road instead of him. Sam knew that Castiel had promised that they would both be fine, but with Dean like this it was difficult to believe. But Sam figured that for once he could let them work things out on their own. It really wasn't his business what Dean was remembering or why he needed to remember it, it was just his business that he was safe. And like Castiel had said it was his responsibility to make sure he stayed that way. So he would do that, and that alone. At least he would try to keep his nose out of Dean's supposedly new memories and Castiel's claims. After all, they weren't his memories to begin with.

\---

Dean knew he was screwed from the moment he started that hunt. He felt off balance, off kilter, and he knew that wasn't a good thing, not at all. But Dean Winchester wasn't a quitter, as previously stated, and he wasn't going to abandon Sam and just hang out in the car or something. He would just try to ignore the fact that he felt a little off and he'd be fine. At least he thought. He was wrong, however. And then the whole ride Sam had to throw him those pitiful glances and ask him what was wrong with him. But there wasn't anything wrong with him. Well, that's what he told himself. But he knew inside that he was falling apart, and he cursed Castiel constantly for this.

He still tried to ignore the dreams, tried to push them far away, deep down inside himself, but these things did not want to leave. They were determined to tear him apart, to make him weary and weak. He had absolutely no clue why, but they did. And he refused to believe they were memories, he didn't want to believe them. He didn't want to touch his high school memories with a ten foot pole, and these dreams were like a recreation of the memories. It was daunting, it was torture. But they wouldn't go away, so he just had to deal with them. And God, did he want to strangle Cas whom he presumed was doing this to him for reasons unknown. Maybe it was the truth spell situation, maybe not, he had no idea. But he could almost feel Cas in his dreams, feel him watching over him, hovering somewhere near him. But every time he woke up, he wasn't there. And Dean would never admit this, but sometimes he would silently pray to him. Sometimes it was out of anger, sometimes it was out of confusion, but he would keep a one way conversation going sometimes. And Castiel never answered. Not once.

\---

Castiel could hear him loud and clear. Every time he prayed he heard him, his voice silently yelling, pleading, asking. It killed him to not answer, he wanted to tell Dean everything, give him all his memories back at once; but he knew better. He knew that telling Dean everything at once would freak him out, or he wouldn't listen, he wouldn't believe him. And giving him all his memories at once would be far too much, there were too many memories that Castiel had held and if he sent them all back to Dean at once, they would be too much, there would be too much to process all at once. This was the best way, the most methodical way of doing it, even though it hurt Dean and it hurt Castiel to watch him hurt.

And then Castiel had to listen to him almost every day. Some days it was, 'Cas you son of a bitch, why are you doing this to me? Why aren't you answering me? I swear Cas, the next time I see you you're gonna leave with blood on your face because of me.' Other days it was, 'Are these dreams, are they just dreams? You told me they were memories, but I don't remember this, I don't remember you Cas. You pulled me out of Hell, that was the first time I laid eyes on you. What are you showing me? Why won't you answer me dammit?' And then the days where he actually pleaded, Cas' heart broke. 'Cas I'm not one to pray, and I'm not one to plead but can't you just give me some goddam answers? You won't answer any of my prayers, none of them. Will you just do something, give me a sign? Please Cas, I don't know what you want, do you want an apology? What do you want?' But what hurt Castiel the most was the fact that in every prayer he asked why he wasn't answering. And he wanted to answer, he wanted to answer more than anything, but he couldn't let himself do that. All he could do was send him the dreams, give him the memories back. That was the best he could do, and he could hope that Dean would understand soon, that he wouldn't push the memories away. And he continued to show Dean his memories through his dreams, just hoping that Dean would remember them, really remember them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello once again :3 So there goes Chapter Three, and I hope you liked it!!! Feedback is amazing, and if you guys would like for me to post on a more regular schedule, just let me know, I'm happy to hear whatever you guys have to say!! And if you've read all three chapters, thank you so so much for sticking with it!!! This isn't the best fanfic I've written, and some of it sort of sucks, but I'm still learning :)


	4. I'll Teach You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The puzzle pieces are slowly fitting together as the doubt ebbs away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *trumpets* And here is... Chapter Four!! Hope you guys enjoy, I'm still trying to get the length of the chapters right so everything is even. So, go ahead, read away!!

_The two sat in the park for a little while longer, Dean talking to Castiel about how humans interacted, explaining the things that he didn't quite understand. Dean was in the middle of telling him about slang words when a couple walked past, smiling at each other and stopping to share a kiss before interlacing their fingers and walking onwards. Dean smiled softly, pointing them out to Castiel. "See them? They love each other, that's why they kissed and why they're holding hands."_

_"I understand love Dean, I love my Father and all my brothers and sisters. Love is simple," he said, watching the couple walk away. Dean chuckled a little, looking over at Castiel._

_"That love is different Cas. The love they have is everything but simple. You can love family, I love my Dad and I love Sammy, but couples love is different." Castiel just gave Dean his head tilt, his eyebrows furrowed slightly. Dean continued on explaining. "When you love someone else, you know it, you feel it in your heart. You wanna comfort the person, you wanna get close to them, to do anything for them. When you love someone, you feel these butterflies in your stomach when you see them, and you wanna stay with them forever. They make you feel happy, like you're walking on air kinda." Castiel stayed quiet for a moment. "Sometimes love breaks you though. Sometimes the person doesn't love you back, or sometimes they love someone else, they're taken. It breaks your heart, and you feel it inside," Dean explained, sitting back on the bench._

_"So love is not... simple?" Castiel asked. Dean shook his head._

_"You've never loved before, have you?" he asked. Castiel shook his head slowly._

_"I've never felt that strongly before. Not that I can remember." Dean frowned._

_"You will one day. Everyone loves something, at least eventually," he told him. Castiel sighed._

_"Angels cannot feel the things humans can Dean, I already told you." Dean looked at him, his eyes catching his own. He knew he could, he was sure of it._

_"You're special Cas. You can, I'm sure you can," he said with a soft smile. Instead of protesting, Cas simply smiled a small smile._

_"You have a lot of faith in me Dean. I appreciate it," he said with a slight nod of his head. Dean smiled back._

_"It's no problem Cas." Castiel watched Dean for a moment before turning away to watch the park, listening intently to the other things Dean had to teach him._

_Castiel was apparently a quick learner because when Dean saw him in class next he was actually acting as though he was a normal kid. He still looked out of place, something that made Dean smile a little. It was like he could never really lose him because of the way he stuck out among the others. It comforted him knowing that Castiel wasn't going anywhere too. Castiel soon made a habit of walking Dean back to the motel, Sam far enough in front of them so he couldn't hear them. "So how's the Earth experience going? It must be really weird to be down here," Dean said, kicking a pebble as they walked forwards._

_"It is strange, but it's enjoyable. I understand more than I did before, back in Heaven. And you are becoming more fun to watch, you were a pain at first," he responded cooly. Dean nudged him with his elbow._

_"You're too kind to me Cas," he joked._

_"You're welcome," Cas responded, making Dean laugh._

_"That was sarcasm Cas. I guess you're still a little rough in that area." Castiel frowned. "Don't worry about it though, you're doing pretty good blending in. You don't look like a robot anymore," he said._

_"I presume that is a good thing."_

_"Yes, Cas, you presume correctly," Dean chuckled. Silence filled the air between them, the sound of their feet crunching on the fall leaves filling their ears._

_"Dean?" Castiel said quietly._

_"Yeah?" Cas fiddled a little with his fingers._

_"How do you fall in love?" The question threw Dean off a little, surprised that Cas was actually asking about love again._

_"Well, you don't get to choose who you love, first of all. You can't go around and pick someone to love, it doesn't work that way," he began._

_"It doesn't?" Castiel asked, sounding almost surprised. Dean shook his head._

_"Sometimes you feel it right away, you're heart does a little flip when you meet them or when you see them for the first time." Dean paused, remembering how his heart had done exactly that when he met Cas. He wondered, is it even possible to fall in love with an angel?_

_"Dean?" Castiel said after Dean had gone quiet. Dean remembered where he was and continued._

_"Yeah, sorry, I got distracted. Anyways, people call that love at first sight. Some people don't believe in that though. Usually, when you fall in love you start off getting to know the person, and you find that you like them, that they're someone you really admire and connect with. And then you start to realize that you wanna see them more often, that you get those butterflies when you see them and you wanna be closer, closer in anyway possible. You wanna know them more, you wanna touch them and kiss them and show them you love them. That's usually how you fall in love, but it's different for everyone," he explained, looking to Castiel to see what his reaction was. He simply nodded, looking down at the ground. The rest of the walk was silent, but a comfortable silence, one where neither of them felt pressured to say something, they just enjoyed each others company. When Dean got back to the motel, Sam already inside, he stopped to talk to Castiel for a moment. "Hey, thanks for the company Cas, I usually don't make many friends when I go to a new school," he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. Castiel smiled widely._

_"We're friends," he stated, his voice happy. Dean grinned._

_"Yeah, Cas, yeah. We're friends." The two of them held eye contact, Dean happily catching the growing warmth in Castiel's eyes. "I would say bye, but you aren't really leaving are you?" Castiel shook his head, still smiling._

_"I'll still be watching after you, even if you can't see me." Dean debated if that was creepy, or if it was just... alright. But he smiled back, deciding that Cas watching him wasn't bad, it was comforting. He knew he was safe this way, and that made him happy. He was content with it._

_"Good. I'm glad," he said, Cas beaming back at his words. And Dean meant them, he really did._

~~

Dean woke up, the same dream hangover following him as he wandered into the kitchen of the bunker. Luckily Sam wasn't there to tell him he looked awful and to ask what he dreamt about and bombard him with questions. He grabbed a glass of water, taking large gulps to soothe his dry throat. He stood for a minute, leaning against the counter, trying not to remember or think about last night's dream. He was losing his ability to deny the memories, they were starting to seem like real memories now, like things and people and places that were real, that had happened. He couldn't stop them from making a home inside him, and the scary thing, the thing he hated was the fact that they actually made him happy. At least when he was living in the dream. When he woke up he felt like utter hell, but when he was in the dream he was content, a part of him waiting happily for another dream to come. And he hated that. The whole business of these dreams and the whole getting sick thing was just confusing. With a sigh he wandered to the other room where Sam sat at the table. "Good morn- oh. Dean you look-"

"Don't you even say it. I know, I look like crap, and I feel like it too, alright?" he said, sitting across from Sam. He knew it was a stretch, but he wanted to at least ask. "You find any cases?" he asked, rubbing his face with his hands. Sam's shook his head.

"Ohhh no, Dean you can't possibly be thinking of working a case right now. Remember the last one, remember how that went?" he asked, watching Dean intently. Dean sighed.

"Well what am I supposed to do, lie around all day?" he asked, irritated.

"I don't know, but what I do know is that you can't hunt like this Dean," Sam replied. And he was right, and Dean knew it. He just didn't want to admit it. But he did because he couldn't kid himself anymore. He was really sick, he was weak, and he couldn't function on a hunt, no matter how badly he wanted to.

"Yeah, you're right. You're right," he mumbled. "I'm gonna try talking to Cas. I need to talk to him," he stated before getting up, going up the stairs.

"Okay," Sam said warily, watching him leave out the door.

Immediately when Dean opened the door Castiel was there. No prayer, no call from Dean. He was just there. And Dean would've jumped him, really, he would've started throwing punches, screaming at him, but he was so damn tired and weak he could only manage a, 'You know you are a real dick Cas.' "How'd you know I was gonna-"

"Dean I need to explain some things to you," was all he said. Dean snorted.

"Yeah, that's a real understatement." Castiel sighed, looking down at the ground.

"I've heard your prayers, you know. Every one of them." Dean just blinked. "I was... scared to talk to you. There are a lot of things I can't explain, that I shouldn't be explaining, but I have to tell you something, I can't just avoid you. I can't keep up this act of staying as far away as possible. Dean, I messed up. Badly."

"Which time? Was that when you were working with Crowley behind our backs? Or maybe when you tried to play God? When you released the Leviathans? Or when you almost tried to kill me? Or was this a different time?" Dean spat. Castiel clenched then unclenched his fists.

"It was a different time. It was the first mistake, and the biggest one that I made. And it involves you." Dean said nothing, so Cas continued. "I... I knew you before I pulled you out of Hell. And I, I messed up when I met you, I really messed up. And then I made it worse. I took your memories because I panicked. And then, I changed and then I was sent with the other angels to rescue you and I didn't know what to do, I tried to get rid of the memories because they were haunting me now that I knew you and then I messed up even more and I kept putting it off and I told myself I would-"

"Cas, Cas slow down, wait a minute," Dean interrupted. "You... you knew me before you rescued me from Hell?" Castiel nodded slowly and sheepishly. "Why didn't you tell me that?" he asked indignantly.

"I told you Dean, I panicked, I didn't know what to do and I wasn't sure what would happen if you knew, and I was scared and..." He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Dean, I'm giving you back what I took. And that's why you're sick right now. These memories are old and powerful and I'm trying to give them to you slowly so you don't get hurt but you just keep praying to me and it's killing me and-" He paused. "You hate me right now, so you won't let me give them to you while you're awake, so I have to do it while you sleep because you have to get these memories back somehow." Dean just stood there, staring back at Castiel.

"Those, those dreams cannot, they aren't memories they can't be," he said, his hand running through his hair.

"Dean, the more you deny them the worse you get. Why do you think I look awful?" Castiel countered, Dean finally noticing that he looked almost as bad as him. "I'm transferring these memories, ones that I held for decades, and it's not too fun and peaceful for me either. I hate it too and I hate myself for doing this to you because you don't deserve this. I screwed up, I destroyed something and now I'm piecing it back together and I deserve to look like this, you don't, but I can't heal you because I'm connected to you and we're both weak right now so if I heal you I get worse and I can't transfer-"

"Cas shut up." Castiel stopped short, looking over to Dean. "I... Cas I believe you. Okay. I believe you. Just give them to me all at once, right now, just do it. I can't stand going to bed every night and watching some short clip, then waking up to feel like crap. I can't keep doing that."

"Dean I can't do that. I have over a months worth of your memories and they have been held back for years and years, if I give them all to you all at once, you would be in a coma for weeks. I am not letting that happen to you Dean." Each of them stared at the other quietly, and Dean caught it. He caught what he had seen in the last few dreams. He saw it in Castiel's eyes, he saw that warmth that he found in the dreams. And he felt his heart flutter, watching those eyes that he admired so much in the dreams. In the past. Cas looked away, unable to hold Dean's gaze. "Dean you have to know there's still a lot you don't know, things I can't explain to you until you get your memory back." Dean would have pushed him for information, or just blown him off, but he could tell that Cas was really torn up about this whole thing and he really was trying to do the best thing possible. Plus, Dean did have a soft spot for Castiel, even when he was being an ass, even if he had messed up.

"Well what now, huh? What's your plan now Cas?" he asked a little angrily. Castiel huffed a breath, shaking his head.

"Well, you still have to take the memories in increments Dean, you can't take them all at once, even though I'm sure both of us would love to do that. I can... I can give them to you manually, face to face instead of through your dreams. You probably wish to never see me again so I would completely understand if you-"

"No. Do it that way. It'll go faster that way, right?" Dean interrupted.

"Well, it will only go so much faster. It's still a process Dean, it can't be rushed. If we do it face to face then I'll be able to be more attuned to how weak you are. Occasionally I'll be able to give you longer memories than other days where I will only give you small pieces." Dean walked up to Cas, standing only a foot or less away.

"Do it now." Cas looked at him, his eyes roaming Dean. He paused, seemingly worried, before bringing two fingers up to Dean's forehead. And then, the two of them were remembering.

~~

_The next day Castiel was waiting for Dean right outside his door, scaring him enough to make him jump. "Jesus Cas! You scared the shit out of me," he said, looking the motel door and shoving the key in his pocket._

_"I apologize. That wasn't my intention," he said with a frown. Dean just chuckled, giving Castiel a pat on the back._

_"It's alright. Have fun watching me last night?" he joked._

_"Well, it gets slightly boring after a while. I've been watching you for a little less than a week." Dean grinned._

_"What can I say, I guess I'm a boring person," he declared, looking over at the tall, red leafed trees that they were passing._

_"You are far from it Dean. Watching you is different from interacting with you. You've shown me a lot of things I didn't know before," Castiel said seriously. Dean gave him a smile in return._

_"Thanks Cas."_

_"You're welcome." The two continued on, Dean telling Cas about movies and video games as they walked to school. Dean made a point of telling Castiel about different things that humans did when he had the time. He would also tell him about different feelings and how they were felt. The one emotion that Cas still seemed to be vexed on was love. Dean could tell when he was thinking about it, the way he bowed his head or tilted it upwards, his brows knitting together, his lips slightly parted. Dean would always smile at him when he looked this way, he looked so cute, so curious. Dean would never admit it to his face but he was nursing a silent crush on the angel. He smiled when he thought about him, and he was always glad to see him, and it was so nice to explain to him all these things he didn't have or understand._

_Sometimes Dean would bring him to the park, sitting with him on a bench and talking, telling him about all sorts of different things. Other times they would just sit in silence, listening to the sounds around them in the park, or the sounds of their shoes scuffing the pavement. "Humans are very beautiful," Castiel said fondly one day as they sat on the park bench, watching the people that walked by._

_"Some of them, not all of them. Some of them wanna cause pain. But others are kind hearted and genuine," Dean told him. "People are flawed, even the most beautiful of them. But you're right, they are beautiful." Cas looked over at Dean, his eyes roaming him, his head tilted slightly. It took Dean a moment to feel the intensity of the stare coming from beside him. He gave Castiel a confused look. "What?" he asked, Castiel's eyes never leaving him._

_"You are a very beautiful human being Dean," he said, making Dean blush, looking away. "You're blushing," Cas then stated, looking slightly amused. "Blushing means you're embarrassed... Or stimulated by romantic advances. Am I wrong?" he questioned, making Dean choke on his own spit._

_"Woah woah woah, let's not get carried away with ourselves here Cas," he responded, still blushing. Castiel cracked a smile. Dean tried to hold eye contact with him but couldn't for more than a few seconds. "Cas, jeez stop looking at me like that," he said, cursing the fact that he was still blushing a little, and that he had taught Cas what blushing meant._

_"Are you embarrassed by my compliments?" Castiel asked innocently. Dean glanced over at him, still a little flustered._

_"No it's just... just, no one has ever." He cleared his throat before continuing. "No one's ever really said that before, it just, you caught me off guard," he mumbled, looking down. He could still feel Castiel staring at him intently._

_"It's true. You are very kind hearted. Your intentions are very thoughtful. I enjoy your presence," Cas said, the blush returning to Dean's face._

_"Thanks Cas. That's really, that's a nice thing to say," he said, smiling._

_"It's a truthful thing to say," was all Cas said in response._

~~

Dean opened his eyes to find Castiel's staring back at him. He blinked, collecting himself for a moment, coming back to where he was outside the bunker. Before he could think, words escaped his mouth. "You... you really thought that?" he croaked, remembering Cas' words.

"I still do think that Dean. My opinion of you has never changed." Dean looked down at the ground, smiling a little.

"You... Cas I'm the most flawed human being there is out there.You shouldn't think that, I'm not," he shook his head. "Thank you for, for thinking that but, it's not true." He could feel the same stare he felt in the memory on him. He finally looked up to meet Castiel's gaze.

"You can't see it Dean, but it's there. I have never been more sure of anyone. You're still the same on the inside Dean." Dean swallowed hard, his mouth dry. He couldn't bring himself to tear his eyes away from Cas' until he cleared his throat. "I'll be back tomorrow. Get some rest Dean, you need it," he told him before disappearing. Dean thought back over the memory. He could hardly believe he was letting Cas do this, or the fact that he had had a crush on Castiel when he was sixteen. He wouldn't have actually believed Cas, but he seemed so upset about it and he was sure that Cas wouldn't act that way just to mess with him. He was sure Cas couldn't act that well. He bit his lip, silently praying to Cas. All he said, all he had to say, was, 'Thank you.'

\---

'Thank you.' Castiel heard it in his head loud and clear, like a bell ringing once. He actually smiled at it, at the fact that Dean wasn't as angry anymore, that he wasn't asking him why he wasn't answering his prayers. Castiel still felt bad, he felt awful that he took so long to explain things to Dean, that he wasn't even done explaining everything. But God, did he remember that memory, he had played it over a thousand times in his head, he never grew tired of it. Of course he remembered it differently from Dean, who probably remembered it as awkward and uncomfortable. But Castiel could remember watching Dean, learning things from him, and he remembered when Dean had gotten so flustered that time he complimented him.

That was the first time Castiel had felt something, something different from happiness or the other dulled feelings he was beginning to feel. It was a flutter in his chest, something he remembered Dean talking about. The budding of something he still didn't understand completely, something almost as powerful as him. Something he never thought twice about, just let take him, because the mission was slowly fading, the purpose to show his brothers and sisters how great he was was washing away. It wasn't about that, it wasn't about being perfect for his Father, it was about protecting Dean on his own terms. He was letting humanity whisk him away, he was letting Dean show him a picture he had never seen before. And the game he was playing was a dangerous one. He just didn't realize it yet.

\---

Dean sat outside of the bunker the next day, thinking before calling Castiel. He thought over everything that he had remembered so far, stringing the pictures together into a movie of familiarity. It was like voice you know you've heard before, but you can't quite place, and then suddenly you see who the voice belongs to, and everything is one big, 'Oh!' And you understand, you feel the feeling of puzzle pieces fitting together inside of you. And even though it gave him a headache to think about all the memories at once, he found that slowly the headaches were subsiding, and the memories were fitting in with other memories. He couldn't help but wonder how Castiel remembered these memories, and why he took them in the first place. Dean assumed it was because he had tried to make a move on Cas and then Castiel panicked, taking his memories out of fear. But the most terrifying thing about getting his memories back was that he didn't know what the hell would happen next. He had absolutely no idea, it was like watching a horror movie, not knowing what would pop up where and when.

With a sigh, he prayed in his head, knowing that Castiel would hear him. 'Alright Cas, can we just get this over with?' Before Dean had even opened his eyes Castiel was there. "Hello Dean," he said wearily.

"Hey," Dean said simply, walking closer to Castiel. "Cas, can I ask you something?" he asked cautiously. Castiel nodded in response. "These memories, you remember them differently, right? You don't know how I remember them, only how you remembered them?" Thankfully enough for him Castiel nodded.

"I never saw how you remembered them, I can only see them from my own point of view," he replied. Dean silently sighed in relief.

"Okay, let's get this over with, hit me with another," Dean said, watching Castiel as he brought two fingers once again to his forehead.

~~

_Dean soon enough got used to Castiel sneaking up on him, or being found in unexpected places. He also got used to him asking more and more questions for one reason or another. "Dean?" he said on the way to the park one Saturday._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Have you ever been in love?" Dean paused, thinking back. He was only sixteen, most of his relationships weren't even relationships, mostly just makeout sessions. He knew love, he knew what it was like, but he wasn't sure he had ever actually loved let alone been in love. There was a big difference._

_"No, I don't think so," he responded after a moment. The air grew silent again as they entered the park._

_"Do you think I'll ever find love?" Castiel asked almost shyly. Dean smiled, looking over at him._

_"I think you will Cas, yeah. You will." Dean, of course, wasn't sure of that, Cas was going back to Heaven after this after all. And did angels even fall in love with other angels? Was that possible? Dean dismissed the thought. Some part of him had this feeling, this premonition that Castiel was different from the other angels, that he was capable of seeing things and finding things that Dean was sure, from Castiel's description of angels, that other angels couldn't. Dean was glad that Castiel had been sent to watch over him, he was glad it wasn't someone else. Dean had fun teaching him things every day, and he loved the way Cas smiled at him like he was the best person in the world. He loved the way the corners of his eyes crinkled when he did, the way his eyes lit up._

_Dean had to admit that the crush he had on Cas was growing each and every day. At this point his stomach flipped when he saw him, and it took every inch of him to not stare at him constantly because Cas was extremely attractive. Which made Dean wonder... "Hey, Cas?" Castiel looked over at him in response. "You took on a vessel right? Angels have to do that too, just like demons?" he asked._

_"Yes, I did. Angels must ask for permission before, however." Dean gave him a confused look._

_"How do you do that?" he questioned, sitting down on the bench with Cas._

_"Angels have voices, but only certain people can hear our voices when we are not contained in vessels. The determining factor is if it's in their blood. If they can hear us, we ask them for permission to use them as a vessel. If they say no, we must move on to another person who can hear us. If said person says yes then we are able to descend from Heaven and use them as our means of presenting ourselves to others who cannot hear our true voice," he explained._

_"So who's your vessel?" Dean asked. Castiel looked down at himself as if it was the first time seeing himself._

_"This is Jimmy Novak. He's a very devout boy, he was very faithful and welcoming. Why do you ask?" he said with a slight look of curiosity. Dean looked down, feeling his cheeks blush just slightly._

_"Oh, no, no reason," he responded. Without looking he could tell Castiel was staring at him. He prayed that Cas wouldn't push for more, but he wasn't that lucky._

_"Would you have preferred I picked a different vessel? Perhaps a girl?" Dean only blushed harder, chuckling._

_"No, you're, you being a, no that doesn't uh, it doesn't really matter to me." Dean tried to keep his mouth shut, figuring he shouldn't make things more awkward, but before he could stop them, words were coming out of his mouth. "You're just, you just, well you're attractive, you're very attractive actually," he said quietly, glancing at Castiel for his reaction to find him actually... blushing. Castiel was blushing. Dean grinned. "Oh my God, you're actually blushing," he pointed out, making Cas avoid his gaze._

_"I- I am?" he stuttered. Dean held back a chuckle, smiling widely instead._

_"Yeah, you are," he said, watching as Castiel looked at the ground. This was the first time Cas was actually getting flustered. "Don't worry, it only makes you more attractive," he said slyly, making Cas blush even harder. Dean actually wondered if it was even in the slightest bit possible that Cas might actually have a little crush on him. But humans weren't supposed to be in relationships with angels, that was an obvious rule that angels had. It was unspoken but it was obvious still the same._

_Even if Castiel did actually like him as more than a friend, he had to leave when the hunt was over. Dean would continue on with his life on Earth and Cas would continue his life in Heaven. So that's why Dean had to make every second of this count. He wasn't lying when he said Castiel's vessel was attractive, but what he didn't say, what he was too scared to say, was that no matter what form Castiel took on, girl, boy, tall, short, pretty, ugly, none of that mattered to him. What mattered to Dean was Cas, was simply him himself, not the appearance of his vessel. It took him a little while to realize it, but after he realized it, he knew it for sure. And he knew he didn't want Cas to leave, but he knew that Castiel would have to leave one day, one day that would likely be soon._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So let me know what you thought of it, feedback on anything is greatly appreciated and thank you guys so so much for sticking with this fic!!! :)


	5. First Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Both Dean and Castiel face the tension that lay between them as the memories resurface.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I hope you like this chapter, I like the ending a lot :3 Anyways, read on my lovelies!!

The memory faded, the picture of him and Cas on the bench fading to black behind his eyelids. He went over the memory quickly once more, almost afraid to look Castiel in the eye. He opened his slowly, blue eyes swimming back into his vision. It felt so strange, and he felt so stupid after watching his memories. He really had it bad for Cas, he had really liked him back then. He just prayed that Castiel didn't know that, that Castiel had never found that out. But he figured that the truth spell had knocked that all down the drain. He clenched his jaw, looking anywhere but at Castiel. "Are you okay Dean?" Castiel asked, his voice almost shaky. Dean nodded slowly.

"You should go now Cas," he said, cringing when his voice cracked.

"I'm sorry Dean. I really am," was the quiet response Castiel gave before leaving. 

Castiel could barely stand it. He could barely stand not knowing what Dean felt. What if his view on him had already changed, what if he didn't feel the same after finding out how he had messed up, how he had taken his memories? There was no justification for that, as much as Castiel wanted there to be. He found himself walking a trail somewhere in the woods of what he presumed to be Virginia. He was running out of memories to give Dean, he was coming closer and closer to his pitfall, to the moment when he gave in. He didn't want Dean to see it, that was one of the reasons he didn't let him see the memories for so long. And now he had no idea how Dean would react, he had no idea how he was supposed to explain everything. He had so much explaining to do, he didn't know where to begin, or when to begin. He would just have to trust that Dean wouldn't reject his presence for years to come. Even though Castiel had already decided that that was what he deserved.

\---

Back at the bunker, Dean decided that no matter how badly he wanted to avoid it, he couldn't avoid telling Sam what was happening. He wouldn't tell him everything, he definitely wouldn't tell him about his huge crush on Castiel. But he would tell him why he looked so tired, why Cas was doing this to begin with. He stepped inside the bunker, wasting no time getting it over with. Like ripping off a bandaid. "Cas is giving me my memories back. He took them when I was younger. A lot younger," Dean explained, wandering over to the table where Sam sat, blinking, saying nothing for a moment. Dean sat across from him, waiting until he talked.

"What do you mean, when you were younger? Cas didn't know you back then," he said in a confused tone. Unsure of how to approach the question, Dean paused.

"Yeah, he did. He met me when I was sixteen." Sam looked even more confused.

"Okay, why don't I remember this then?" he asked, making Dean think for a moment. Cas had never mentioned taking Sam's memories.

"I have no idea, all I know is that what he's showing me was real. Is real. It happened Sam, the dreams he was sending me, they were memories. We're both in bad shape because of it. Him sending me the memories is draining both of us, not just me," Dean explained, exasperated. 

Sam sighed, thinking over Dean's words. So Cas was right, he was telling the truth. But what were the memories of, and why did he take them in the first place? "Why did he take them to begin with?" Sam questioned. Dean leaned forward, rubbing his eyes.

"I dunno, he said something about messing up, something about panicking. I don't know if it was something I did or something he did, I have no idea what happened, he just keeps sending me these, these memories and it's, I dunno, it's just..." he trailed off, shaking his head. He was already dreading the next day, the next memory to come.

\---

"Did you steal Sam's memories too?" Dean asked the second Castiel showed up the next day. Castiel sighed, rubbing a hand over his forehead.

"I... in a way, I rearranged them. He has them but they are... scattered. If you'd like I can put them back together, but I can't do it now. I need to return your memories first," he explained, obviously disappointed in himself. Dean looked down, then back up at Castiel.

"Cas, why can't you just tell me what happened? I'm on the edge of a cliffhanger of my own memories. Just," he sighed before continuing. "Why don't you just tell me?" 

"Dean I can't, I have my own perception of these memories, I have no idea how you remembered them and if I tell you what happened, then give you the memories, it'll only confuse you more. Trust me Dean, it's easier this way," he said, stepping closer to him, ready to get the next memory over with. It was killing him to give Dean his memories so slowly, but he couldn't do it any other way. Dean started to grow irritated, his patience wearing thin.

"What, watching me suffer is your idea of easy?" he asked, raising his voice. A nerve struck inside Cas, his jaw clenching.

"No, Dean, it's the exact opposite of easy," he grit out. Dean stepped even closer to him.

"Sure, easy for you to say. You pity yourself so much right now," he spat back. Castiel felt anger growing inside of him. Dean was getting it all wrong.

"I do not pity myself Dean, I'm far from it. And if you would watch the memories-" His voice broke before he kept going. "You'll understand." Dean felt himself just wanting to lean forward and punch him. He was so sick of this, of Cas, of everything. And it was Cas' fault to begin with. It was his fault.

"Just show me another one, just... I don't care, just give my memories back, I'm so sick of you being such an-" Before Dean could continue Castiel's fingers were resting softly on his forehead.

~~

_Dean and Castiel sat silently on a bench once again, this time facing a pond instead of the people who passed by in the park. Dean had noticed that almost each and every time they sat on the bench or walked together, Cas was getting closer and closer to him. He sat less than inches away from him, so close that Dean could feel the heat emanating from him. Dean wanted so badly to reach out and touch him, he wanted to kiss him, to just get him closer, even closer than they were now. He wanted to interlace their fingers, to show Cas love, to show him what being loved felt like._

_He let out a breath of air, prying his thoughts away from Castiel and allowing himself to watch the pond. The water was still, the reflection of the trees around it making it look as if it were glass. He watched as birds flew, weaving around each other before perching high in the trees, chirping happily, singing loudly. And then he remembered something he hadn't thought about in a while. Wings. Castiel had wings. He thought about it for a moment, remembering how beautiful his wings were, charcoal black, shimmering in the sun. He tried to not think about them, he didn't want to have to actually ask Cas about his wings. Truthfully he wanted to ask Castiel to take them out again, to show them to him. But he wasn't sure if he had the courage to ask. After a bit of debating, he shyly looked over to Castiel. "H- hey Cas?" he said quietly. Castiel looked over at him._

_"Yes Dean?" Dean fiddled with his hands, looking down. He figured they were good enough friends by now for him to ask this without sounding awkward, but he was nervous still the same._

_"Can I- can I see your wings again?" he asked timidly. Castiel smiled at him._

_"You really like them?" he asked in response. Dean nodded sheepishly. Castiel rolled back his shoulders, a quiet rustle presenting the same beautiful wings. Dean shifted on the bench so Castiel's wings could fit comfortably. Dean sat in awe once again, the colors flickering between feathers. He could see small down feathers that grew into bigger ones that sparkled under the afternoon light. Castiel looked calmly at each one as if they were arms instead of wings._

_"Can't other people see them, people in the park?" Dean asked, his eyes never leaving the gray and black colors shimmering brightly, nearly glowing._

_"No, you're the only one who can see them right now," he stated cooly, watching Dean's amazement. Dean would've questioned him, asked why it was that way, how he did it, but he couldn't be bothered when these gorgeous wings were in his view._

_"Cas?" he said, once again timidly._

_"Yes?" Dean paused._

_"You think... think that I could touch them?" Castiel smiled at him._

_"Of course," he responded happily. Dean reached out a hesitant hand, pausing once before it found feathers that he couldn't have ever imagined felt that way. A jolt of what felt like electricity ran through him as his fingertips slid smoothly through what felt like water. He didn't even realize that he had been holding his breath until he ran his hand through the feathers once again, completely entranced. Castiel ruffled his feathers, shivering. Dean glanced over at him, his hand pausing where it was._

_"I'm not, is this, you're not-"_

_"No, I've just- no one's ever touched them before it's just..." He trailed off, his feathers still ruffling themselves._

_"What does it feel like?" Dean ventured cautiously. Castiel spoke reluctantly._

_"It feels very... pleasant," he said, watching Dean touch them gently. Dean slid his hand over a particular patch of charcoal feathers, Castiel letting out a barely audible moan. Dean stopped short. That sound made his heart flutter, beating faster in his chest._

_"That feel good?" he asked with a soft smile. Castiel was blushing furiously, his wings withdrawing themselves only slightly._

_"Yes it feels, extremely- Dean." He cut himself off after a rough drag of Dean's fingers to one of his more sensitive areas. Dean wasn't sure if he should stop or keep going, seeing Castiel flustered was something that always made him smirk. He slowed his hand down, watching Cas carefully. He had his eyes closed, his eyelashes standing out beautifully against pale skin, his lips pink and slightly parted._

_"Stop?" Dean simply asked to which Castiel hastily replied._

_"No, no, don't stop," he murmured, making Dean smirk even wider. It felt strange at first to be running his hands along Cas' wings, but now it was almost second nature, something he felt completely at ease about. He no longer watched the feathers glinting in sunlight, now he watched Castiel's face, all the little ministrations he made, his nose twitching slightly, his eyelids fluttering. Dean could barely believe there was such a beautiful person, an actual angel in front of him. An angel that he was sure he loved by now. Castiel was no longer a being watching over him, he was his friend, a friend he wanted to be closer to but heart achingly knew he couldn't. Life wasn't that easy._

~~

Dean cringed. He was partially regretting letting Cas give him back his memories face to face. Every time the memory was over, Castiel would be staring back with those haunting blue eyes. He hesitantly opened his eyes, Cas standing still in front of him. "Cas?" he said slowly.

"Yes?" Dean felt exactly as he had in the memory, nervous and a little worried at Castiel's response.

"How do you... remember that? How did you see it from your point of view?" Castiel froze. Was he really going to explain to Dean what it was like from his standpoint? That was dangerous, he didn't want Dean to think of him differently, he didn't want to mess things up more. He cleared his throat, letting his mouth do the talking.

"It- it's a very pleasant memory for me. You were..." he trailed of, unsure of how to word his thoughts. "You were very gentle and timid, and you, you were very kind to me Dean. You were the first person to touch my wings and you reminded me... you made me understand what happiness was," he said quietly, just a little louder than a whisper. Dean's heart flipped in his chest, his stomach dropping. So Cas wasn't uncomfortable; or at least he claimed he wasn't.

"You- really?" he asked, almost unable to believe what he was hearing. Castiel nodded. Dean knew he shouldn't continue, that he was probably embarrassing himself by asking what he asked next, but he couldn't hold back his curiosity. "How many other people have, you know done that? Touched your wings?" Castiel blushed, looking away.

"It's just you. No one else has ever done that." Dean blinked. He couldn't be serious.

"You're joking, right?" he asked. Castiel shook his head.

"You're the only one who's touched them. Others have seen them, but never, they haven't... done that." He looked up at Dean who was silent. Neither of them, even Dean himself, was sure if he was honored or a little freaked out. Maybe a bit of both. "I should go, probably," Castiel muttered, backing away from Dean. Dean's mouth couldn't form the words he wanted it to, not until it was too late and Castiel was gone. He sat and thought for a moment. Could Cas and him actually be on the same page? Was Castiel enjoying the memories, was he enjoying Dean's presence? From what he said only minutes ago it seemed like it. But why would he have taken Dean's memory in the first place if things between them had ended up a little more romantic than platonic? How bad could that be?

\---

Castiel pressed his palms to the backs of his eyelids. His patience was wearing thin. He didn't know what Dean was feeling, how Dean felt about the memories. The truth spell had made him confess feelings that Castiel was... pleased with. He knew it was twisted to enjoy what Dean had said, to be hopeful about it. After all, it wasn't Dean's choice to say those things, it was all by force. But his hope, his faith, it was washing away every memory he gave back. Dean was surely regretting his feelings, he was surely taking them back every waking second. Even if he felt that way back then, that reverence, that admiration, it must be fading, it must have faded. It was too good to be true if Dean was even remembering them correctly, if he even saw them how he did back then. They were so worn away, so old that he wouldn't be surprised if the feelings had lessened or disappeared altogether. 

Castiel had the ability to hear Dean's thoughts, but that was just intrusive. It had been rule number one back then, and Castiel still considered it to be rule number one. He wouldn't go back on his word, not now when it was so important. 

'Cas?' He heard it clear in his head, almost like the sound of thin glass being tapped by metal. A ringing that echoed. He waited for more words to come, for the sound of Dean's voice to snake through his thoughts. 'I hope you've got your listening ears on,' he continued. Castiel stood still as a stone, a breeze fluttering past, his hair rustling as his tie flipped softly with it. 'Cas I want you to know that no matter what you did, no matter how bad you messed up I- I still want you to know that, that you're my friend. I'm not trying to get sappy here, I'm just trying to let you know that you matter to me.' Silence rang through Castiel's head. He blinked, replaying Dean's prayer in his head. He felt the same flutter in his chest, one he had known years ago.

\---

Castiel showed up hesitantly the next day. He knew which memory came next, which one he had to give back. He wasn't sure if he felt so nervous because he was scared of Dean's reaction, or if it was because he wanted to keep the memory, to protect forever. 

Dean showed up as usual, outside the bunker, approaching Cas slowly. He felt it, whether it was the tenseness of the air of Castiel's demeanor, he didn't know. But he knew the memory he was about to get was important, that it was possibly extremely embarrassing or awful, or something, just something that was foreboding. Castiel quietly stepped over to him, readying two fingers. Dean closed his eyes. "Wait." Cas' fingers paused midway. "How bad is this gonna affect our friendship? Is this one as bad as... as what I said during that truth spell?" Dean asked, blushing at the mere thought of it. Castiel bit the inside of his cheek.

"That's for you to decide Dean," he replied, bringing his fingers up, touching his skin softly before Dean could protest. He wouldn't put this off any longer. He couldn't.

~~

_The memory continued this time from where the last one left off, Dean still softly petting over the silken feathers on Castiel's wing. Cas looked in complete and utter bliss, his chest rising and falling a little more rapidly than usual. Dean watched him silently, deciding that he liked Castiel like this, calm and quiet, content. Castiel tilted his head back, long pale neck exposed and inviting. Dean could only imagine biting marks into the skin there, leaving darkened bruises for days to come. Castiel could heal himself of course, but Dean was sure that he wouldn't, that he would admire the little bruises proudly, his fingertips finding them as he smiled softly._

_Dean hadn't been aware that his hand had stilled until Castiel's eyes were open, staring widely at him. Dean looked in them, looked hard, remembering how he had stared into them the first day he had seen him. They had been cold, icy, still. They were like a frozen pond, one that Dean wanted to melt. And he had. Castiel looked back with wide, eager eyes that nearly glowed, a warm and inviting blue that sparkled just like his wings._

_Dean slowly realized that Cas was nervously, barely inching forward, his wings rustling quietly before they were tucked invisibly away. Dean made a side note in his head to ask where his wings came from or where they went, but he was too busy, too focused now on his lips, on those pale pink lips, the unblemished porcelain skin he could only dream of touching; but now it was touching him. Castiel's hand had silently come upwards, landing softly and shakily on his cheek. Dean's eyelids fluttered for a moment, leaning into the touch._

_Every second felt as though it was inching by, like it was trudging through quicksand. His breath was held, though he didn't realize it until Cas had uttered his name, leaning forward to connect them by the lips, the space between them cast out. Dean's whole heart raced, jumping while his stomach flew upwards, seemingly hitting his heart so the two collided, his vision ebbing away as his eyes closed softly. He could have never imagined any kiss, not a single one, feeling like this did. Castiel was so gentle, so careful, barely pressing his lips to Dean's. Dean was at a loss of what to do, where to put his hands, what to do with his tongue. But this wasn't like a hasty makeout session behind the bleachers during a pep rally, this was an innocent kiss, a sweet kiss that felt like heaven._

_And Dean remembered that he was kissing an angel, an actual angel, and he smiled softly into the kiss before Castiel pulled away. Dean swore his heart was beating out of his chest, he was sure that Castiel could hear it. And if he hadn't been sure of love before, if he had doubted it, if he had thought it wasn't there, it wasn't true; he was wrong. His heart, his mind whispered, 'You love him Dean.' And he believed it. Castiel was looking scared, his eyes watching Dean's, waiting for Dean to yell, to run away. "Dean- I," he began to explain himself, to say something to Dean, but he disregarded it._

_Dean's hands found his shoulders, the back of his neck, his hand delicately cupping the back of his head before pulling him back in again as though he needed Castiel to breathe. Dean sighed into the kiss, softly licking across the seam of Castiel's mouth, Castiel opening eagerly. Dean gently let his tongue wander, the taste of Castiel like nothing he had ever encountered before. He tasted like a spring breeze, like the ocean, like happiness. His mouth was sweet and soft, welcoming in the nicest way possible. Dean smiled again, coaxing Castiel's tongue forwards, taking his lip in his teeth, nibbling softly before entering his mouth again, his whole body rushing with something he wasn't sure of. He never wanted to stop, he wanted to kiss Castiel until his lips were bruised, but he knew he couldn't, that he shouldn't have even been kissing Cas in the first place._

_He pulled away slowly, his eyes opening halfway to meet Castiel's. He didn't know what to say, whether to tell Castiel that what he had just done couldn't happen, that Castiel had to leave soon, that this relationship they had was a setup for heartbreak on both ends; but his lungs teamed up with his brain and his mouth, uttering something completely different, something that shouldn't have come out but shot out like an arrow, surely hitting both their hearts._

_"That's what it feels like to be loved."_

~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Five, boom there it is. I hope you liked it and I hope I kept you on the edge of your seat for the next chapter!! Keep in mind that there will be, to say the least, lots of tension next chapter once Dean and Cas come out of the memory :3 Thank you so much for reading and thank you if you've stuck with me through this so far!!


	6. It's Like a Puzzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The puzzle was almost together now, he could feel everything piecing together, the fear of heartbreak that was overtaken by that want, that lust to have Castiel, to love him. He felt it ringing through him, through every nerve ending, every pulse point. Love. He felt love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a bit short, so my apologies for that!

The memory hit Dean like a freight train traveling at the highest possible velocity. He felt those feelings, the rush of adrenaline, the pounding of his heart, he felt them. And he remembered them. He remembered the taste of Cas, the softness of his lips, the way he was like nothing he had ever tasted, and he still hadn't to this day. The puzzle was almost together now, he could feel everything piecing together, the fear of heartbreak that was overtaken by that want, that lust to have Castiel, to love him. He felt it ringing through him, through every nerve ending, every pulse point. Love. He felt love. 

It was the first time he loved, he knew it, he felt the burning in his chest the fluttering of his stomach, and he knew it. He didn't know how but he knew it. And he ran briefly over all the one night stands, the pretty girls, even the occasional relationship that lasted more than a few days. He went over Lisa, pausing briefly, thinking if he had ever felt that way, that beautiful buzzing that made him know that he was alive. And he skipped over her, because no, it didn't feel the same, not even during sex, not even during lazy Sundays. And Dean contemplated for a moment, thought back to even the boys he crushed on in high school, to the way he felt when they looked at him, when they whispered sweet things in his ears and his heart twitched. He went over it all, thought back as far and as recently as he could go. And he never felt that way, not once. 

He thought it impossible for a split second, thought he must have been missing something, someone who made him feel the same way. No. There wasn't. He remembered times, moments where he had been drunk and he had thought that he had never loved, never would. It wasn't in the cards for him. After Famine told him he had no soul, that he was empty, that he was dark inside, he had thought that he was incapable of love. Sometimes it still crossed his brain. He wondered if he would ever love if he had ever loved. And now with this memory, this feeling rushing over him, his heart swelled. He had loved. He just hadn't remembered it. "I- I thought I was incapable of love. I thought I had never loved, that I wouldn't," He croaked, meeting Castiel's gaze. And then he froze. Castiel was the one he loved, and he had just admitted that. He had put it out there. 

"I'm sorry Dean," Cas whispered, clenching his jaw. Dean felt his heart flip, felt it fall what felt like a thousand feet inside his chest. Love wasn't easy, it wasn't simple. He was sure that if he had loved Castiel, then not seen him for years, he would have stopped loving him. But this, the fact that these memories had been taken and preserved changed the whole game. The love was back, it was brand new, a searing want all the same as before. 

But everything was messy, everything was a crumpled map right now. Dean was unsure which way was up and which way was down; what he did know, however, was how he felt about Castiel. At least right now. His heart stole away towards Castiel, wanted to leap into his hands and stay there. And Dean wanted nothing more than to do that, to feel the warmth, to feel it reciprocated. 

"Show me the memories Cas. Show me the rest of them, there aren't that many left, I can feel it," he demanded, staring blankly at Castiel. 

Castiel cringed. Dean was right, there weren't that many left. "Dean, I told you before I can't do that. It'll hurt both of us, I can't risk-"

"There aren't as many left as there were before, we just got past the most powerful one-"

"Dean, you don't understand, that wasn't the most powerful one, I'll hurt you if I give them back all at once, I can't afford to hurt you." His voice was shaking, getting louder. He couldn't deny that he saw Dean's point, however. It would be so much easier to do it this way. 

"Cas, give me my memories," he growled. Castiel clenched his fists. He couldn't resist giving in anymore, he couldn't see Dean like this. He had to get it over with. He was sure at this point that Dean could take them; with the possibility of him becoming unconscious for a week or so. But death wasn't a possibility, Castiel was sure of it by now. He wouldn't have done it if it was.

 

"Okay, I'll give them back all at once. You must know Dean that this could cause you to become unconscious for more than a few days." Dean bit his lip.

"I don't care. Just do it." Castiel worriedly brought two fingers up.

"I'm sorry."

~~

_Castiel went silent for a moment, staring back at Dean in awe. "You, you love me?" he asked quietly. Dean smiled softly, snuggling up against him on the bench._

_"I do. I'm sure of it." Castiel beamed back._

_"I love you too Dean," he whispered, searching Dean's face for the traces of happiness that made his insides flip._

_"That was your first kiss, huh?" he asked, finding Castiel's hand and interlacing their fingers. Castiel blushed._

_"Yes. It was- you are, you're a very good kisser," he muttered, Dean taking his turn to blush._

_"Thanks Cas, you're not so bad yourself," he said, stroking his thumb over Cas' hand. Castiel looked over at Dean, taking in his features silently._

_"Dean?"_

_"Hm?"_

_"What happens now?" Dean froze, immediately trying to push the thought of Castiel having to leave to the farthest corner of his brain._

_"Well, I guess we do couple-y things," he said, his eyes finding Castiel's warm blue ones._

_"What are couple-y things?" Castiel asked, his eyebrows furrowed._

_"Well," Dean began in a lowered tone. "Couples hold hands, they kiss, they go to movies sometimes, they watch the birds and the trees sometimes, just like we're doing right now. And they cuddle and they talk, and sometimes they come up with pet names for each other." Dean smiled when Castiel simply tilted his head. "Like me calling you angel," he explained._

_"So I call you human?" Castiel asked, Dean laughing at Castiel's response._

_"No, angel is a term of endearment Cas, it's not a statement," he continued, a look of understanding passing over Castiel's face._

_"What's cuddling like?" he asked. Dean grinned, realizing he never got to show Cas what cuddling was like. He brought his legs up on the bench, sitting cross-legged._

_"C'mere," he said, gesturing for Castiel to rearrange himself on the bench. "Now rest your head down in my lap," he said, letting Cas lie back against him. It wasn't exactly the definition of cuddling, but it was still nice. Dean let his fingers find Castiel's hair, twirling little pieces around and stroking through it. Castiel closed his eyes, smiling softly at the pleasing sensation of Dean's hands. "There's all different ways to cuddle," Dean explained quietly. "It's usually just two people getting close together, fitting their bodies together in a way that makes both of them happy. It's like a sign of affection," he described, stroking one thumb over Castiel's cheekbone. Dean chuckled softly at the little purr that Cas let out. "You like being touched, huh?" he asked, running a hand through Castiel's hair. Castiel blushed slightly, opening those wide blue eyes._

_"I like when you touch me. You're gentle, you're kind to me," he said softly, smiling up at Dean. Dean smiled back, a warm feeling growing inside of him. He wished he could stay this way forever, Castiel warm against him, his company an anchor, a way of knowing he was safe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's excited for Chapter Seven?! ~~No one.~~ Anyways, tell me what you guys thought of it, and thank you for reading!!


	7. A Place Called Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It felt like this was where he belonged, alongside Castiel, a nerdy, sweet angel whom he loved. The first one to steal his heart. He thought of the way he looked when he smiled, how innocent he looked, and how he laughed, seemingly lighting up the world with that simple sound alone.

_Dean was so happy to be with Castiel, so content that he didn't even care what other people saw or what they thought about him. For all he knew he would be five states away in another week or so. He was thankful that this hunt was taking so long for his father. It was always lurking in the back of his mind the thought that Castiel would have to leave, he didn't want to believe it. So instead he let the days pass, admiring every second for what it was. It was a whole different ballgame now that him and Cas were together. Now he could show Castiel things that couples do, he could teach him even more._

_On their way to school every morning Dean would find Castiel's hand, lacing their fingers together, swinging their arms happily as they talked. On the way home they always kissed before Dean went back to the motel for the night._

_One night, when the sky was clear, Dean dragged Castiel over to a little grass clearing on the roadside next to the motel. Originally, Dean was a little unsure about Sam, worried he'd get hurt or lost or kidnapped inside the motel. He knew he was being very lax recently about the strict rules his dad had set over the matter of watching Sam. Castiel assured him, however, that he would be fine, that he could sense Sam since he was so nearby and if any harm came to him he would be able to prevent it. Dean happily laid down on the cool grass, pulling Castiel down with him. "What are we doing exactly?" Dean smiled, squeezing his hand tight._

_"We're watching the stars," he whispered back. Castiel fit his head between the crook of Dean's neck, sighing softly. Dean and Cas lay quietly together, the warmth of each other radiating between them, Dean listening to the buzz of passing cars nearby. The night rustled the trees, swaying under the twinkling stars._

_There was no rush to speak, no feeling that the other should be talking, just simple silence, sweet and soft laying over the two. Dean loved the stars, always thought they were the most beautiful thing in existence. The thought of finding your way by looking at the stars purely fascinated him, even if he had no home to find when he was lost. But right now, laying here with Cas, it felt like home. It felt like this was where he belonged, alongside Castiel, a nerdy, sweet angel whom he loved. The first one to steal his heart. He thought of the way he looked when he smiled, how innocent he looked, and how he laughed, seemingly lighting up the world with that simple sound alone. "Dean?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I love you." Dean felt the same comforting warmth wash over him with those words. Dean decided then, that when he was lost, when he needed to find home one day, it would be here. It would be Castiel's voice, no matter what vessel he took on, it would be him, Angel of the Lord, his voice saying those three words. That was his home._

_"I love you too Castiel."_

~~

_The days were becoming colder, Dean always giving Castiel his jacket in the morning, then taking it back after school, no matter the protests he gave. "Dean, you need this more than me. It could be ten degrees out and I wouldn't feel it," Castiel said as Dean wrapped his jacket over him._

__

_"Hush angel," he said quietly, stopping so he could tilt Castiel's chin up with his fingers, kissing him gently. Dean had unconsciously begun calling Castiel 'angel.' When he realized he was doing it he asked Cas about it, thinking he probably didn't like being called that, but Castiel had just smiled, telling him he loved it. "It's a sign of love, it means I care about you," he explained to Castiel, who was wrapping the jacket around himself despite his claims of not needing it._

_"Dean you'll get cold," he said worriedly. Dean rolled his eyes. "Don't you roll your eyes at me," Castiel said, though he hadn't seen Dean roll his eyes, just felt it. Dean tried to hide a smile._

_"You're bossy, you know that?" he said, bumping into Castiel._

_"Don't pretend that you don't like it," he countered smugly, Dean blushing slightly while a smile became apparent on his face. Dean loved the fact that Cas was now able to reply to any playful banter they had. When Dean had first met Castiel he barely understood sarcasm, but now he could be downright sassy._

_"Hey Cas?" he asked, an idea suddenly popping into his head._

_"Yes?"_

_"If I were to pray to you, would you actually hear me?" he said, watching as Castiel nodded._

_"You can pray to me anytime Dean, I'll hear you, I'll listen." Dean thought for a moment, saying a silent prayer to Castiel, seeing if it would really work. "I love you too Dean," Castiel replied, hearing Dean's prayer just as promised._

_"You just answered my prayer," Dean stated, a little amazed that it could actually work that simply._

_"I did," Castiel simply said back, smiling softly. Dean couldn't have been happier. Now he had something to rely on, something to believe in even after Castiel left, even after he was back in Heaven. It would be like a long distance relationship almost. The thought still made him cringe, however, thinking of Castiel back up in Heaven._

_"Cas, can I ask you something?" he said, watching their feet walking in time with each other._

_"Of course Dean."_

_"What's it like up in Heaven?" Castiel stiffened a bit. Dean figured he wasn't the only one worried about Castiel's return to his real home._

_"Well, everyone creates their own personal Heaven. It's not one big Heaven for everyone, it's individually tailored for each person." Dean was surprised. He had no idea what Heaven would be like, but that was definitely not what he expected. "As for the angels, we are soldiers of God, so we serve him. Each angel has different tasks, a different job, a place among the others, and amongst God. Collectively, we all follow God's orders. It's very strict." He paused before speaking again. "Angels do not have a perception of free will. It's not a belief, not something we are supposed to believe in. But I... After being down here, with you Dean, I think I believe in it. I think I've seen it." Dean thought for a moment. Heaven didn't seem like... Heaven. It sounded tough, like a place where happiness and forgiveness didn't exist. And the whole free will thing? That was insane, that couldn't have been possible. But still, Dean believed it._

_"Well, I guess we can be Team Free Will, huh?" he said with a soft smile. Castiel looked serious, looked like he had been shocked back into reality. Until he saw Dean smiling. A smile grew on his face, the somber look having been replaced by Dean himself. And Dean, Castiel, both of them, forgot momentarily about Heaven, about the hunt, about the world around them and simply smiled. Kissing once, something that never ceased to make Dean feel as though the world were tipping, falling off its axis, they entered the school together, hands clasped, swinging between them no matter what others said._

~~

_After school, Castiel gave Dean his jacket back, gently placing it over both his shoulders. "Thanks Cas," Dean said, leaning over to give Castiel a kiss._

_"You're welcome," he responded happily. A comfortable silence fit itself over the two again whilst they walk, the view of the park coming closer. Castiel paused hesitantly as the two walked the winding path of the park instead of sitting down. "Dean?" Dean could feel the unease coming from Cas._

_"Yeah?"_

_"What does a broken heart feel like?" Dean cringed a little internally, not even wanting to imagine what it felt like to have the happiness, the love he was floating on to be torn apart. But still, he imagined it because he knew it would happen one day. He knew that love wasn't simple. That it always left._

_"A broken heart feels different for everyone," Dean began, sighing. "It feels like a pain in your chest, sometimes a literal one. It feels like everything you'd just been enjoying, the contentment, the love, the happiness; it feels like that's been shattered to a million pieces. Sometimes it feels like those pieces are glass and you're walking on them. It's like being ripped apart." He fell silent, not wanting to have said anymore, hoping that Cas would understand. But he had to wonder why Cas was thinking about broken hearts in the first place, if he was imagining what leaving would feel like._

_"Oh," he said quietly, simply. Dean squeezed his hand, wishing that neither of them had to think of that, that they could just be blind, loving each other senselessly. But it wasn't that way, not at all._

_"Hey," he said, stopping to cup Castiel's face in his hand. He looked into his eyes, wondering exactly what he was thinking, if he was thinking what Dean was. "Don't think like that. It's okay, I don't plan on breaking your heart anytime soon angel. You're the most beautiful thing I've laid eyes on, and I'm not gonna go breaking what has to be the most beautiful heart out there. I got you, don't worry," he whispered, the irony of the situation hitting him hard. Castiel was supposed to be down here protecting him, watching him, and now Dean was telling him how he would protect his heart with all he had._

_Still the same, Cas smiled sadly, his hand sliding up to the back of Dean's neck, pulling him in for a soft, gentle kiss. Dean felt his heart bouncing back from the painful thoughts, leaping back into his chest happily at the taste of Castiel, the comforted feeling he got when their tongues intertwined and their bodies pressed together. He didn't care that they were standing in the middle of the park making out, he just cared that Castiel was there, that he hadn't left yet. That was all his heart needed, all he needed to keep going. Castiel, just Castiel._  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three chapters to go guys wowow! Sooo, tell me what you guys thought, it can be like a book discussion of what you liked and what think will happen next :3 Or not that's cool too.


	8. You're But a Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Goodbyes are always the toughest part of love.

_Dean brought Castiel back to the clearing again since the sky was so clear he would have been crazy to pass up the opportunity. The moon was full, lucky enough for them, moonlight flooding everywhere, the color of it making Castiel's eyes sparkle like never before. "You have beautiful eyes Cas," he murmured fondly, propped up on his forearm so he could look at Castiel. Castiel looked shyly away._

_"Thank you Dean," he murmured back, reaching a hand up to caress Dean's cheek. Dean relaxed into the warm touch of Castiel's fingers. He thought silently in his head of how lucky he was, how incredibly, insanely fortunate he was to have Castiel with him, to have Castiel love him. If any other angel had been sent to watch over him, Dean knew it wouldn't be the same, that the angel wouldn't learn to understand what Cas had. Castiel had understood free will, had believed in it, had shown Dean that he understood love._

_Dean smiled just remembering when he had met Cas what must have been over a month ago by now. Castiel had told him that he couldn't feel, that he didn't understand love, that love was simple. He claimed all these things that Dean knew from looking at him, from those frozen eyes, that warmth and compassion could melt him. The picture of Castiel laying in front of him, his hand still outstretched to meet Dean's cheek was proof enough that Castiel was more than a soldier of God. He was an angel, but not the cold, unknowing of free will angels; no, he was the kind depicted in movies, depicted in the Bible, the kind that made the term 'angel' an endearment instead of an insult. He was one of the soft, sweet, kind angels that existed in less than a dozen probably. He was special, so very special, and Dean couldn't help but marvel at how innocently wonderful he was._

_"Cas?"_

_"Hm?"_

_"Why do you love me? You're an angel, an ancient celestial being and I'm just," Dean gestured down at himself. "Well, I'm me." Castiel propped himself up on an elbow, meeting Dean's eyes with an intensity Dean wasn't sure he could match._

_"Dean, you're a beautiful soul. You showed me love, you showed me compassion, you showed me free will. You gave me things I probably didn't even deserve and still you gave them selflessly. You're the first being I have ever seen to possess so many righteous qualities with such radiance," he said, his gaze never faltering._

_"Cas," Dean simply breathed out. None of it felt real, none of it felt like it was true, all of it was too good. Castiel was too good to be true. Not all the compliments he had received could have added up to what Cas had just said._

_Before Dean could do anything, something out of the corner of his vision caught his eye. A shooting star. He turned his head, watching it disappear from view. "People wish on shooting stars," he explained to Castiel, distracted from their previous conversation. He silently wished that it would stay this way forever, him and Cas walking to school, Cas wrapped in his jacket, them watching people, watching the birds at the park, them kissing, swinging their hands together, them. Just them._

_"Did you wish for what I just wished for?" Castiel whispered. Dean turned back to him._

_"You're not supposed to say," he told him. Castiel smiled._

_"Well I hope you did."_

_"Why?"_

_"I'm not supposed to say." Dean smiled wide watching Castiel in front of him. He leaned forward, toppling him over so he was perched on top of him. He began kissing him, gently yet still passionately, reveling in the sweet taste he had grown accustomed to, the taste that was just Cas. He slid his hands through Castiel's hair, the sounds that slipped from his mouth purely delicious. Dean pulled away for a moment, catching his breath, his heart racing. "Dean," Castiel panted. Dean trailed hot kisses along Castiel's jaw line._

_"What?" he asked breathlessly against his skin._

_"I'll always love you Dean, no matter what. I promise," he said, the air holding, waiting for Dean's response. Dean smiled into his skin, pulling away to look at him._

_"I will too Castiel. I will too."_

~~

_The next morning Castiel was gone. Dean knew that something was wrong when he wasn't standing where he did every morning, right under the lamppost by the motel sign. He was there every morning, every single one since they had officially met. Dean walked to school wearing his jacket, the jacket that still smelt faintly of the indescribable smell of Cas. Because he wore it every morning, not Dean. Castiel. No matter how many protests he put up he would always end up with it, Dean joking about him being grumpy, then kissing him sweetly with a smile, replacing the word 'grumpy' with 'angel.'_

_Dean tried not to panic, tried to brush it off as some anomaly that would later be explained. By Castiel. Who was definitely going to be back. Dean missed the warmth of Castiel by his side, and strangely, he felt cold rather than warm, even with the jacket on. He remembered the morning where he tested the prayer to Cas and felt a flicker of hope inside of him. 'Cas? Cas where are you angel? The hunt isn't over yet, you're supposed to be watching me, remember? Cas please tell me you're okay.' No response. None. Dean figured it was some faulty line, or maybe he didn't pray hard enough, maybe he didn't focus well enough. He tried to calm the sinking feeling that overtook him. Castiel wouldn't leave like that, never. He wouldn't do that, it wasn't him. He had to be somewhere._

_Dean prayed to Castiel a total of nineteen times throughout the day. When he left the school Castiel still wasn't there. Dean walked to the park, even checked the benches they would sit on. He even walked to the clearing, tried to pray there. Still no response. When he got back to the motel his dad's car wasn't there either. The hunt wasn't over, it wasn't, Castiel should have been there. Dean wondered what had happened, if an archangel had killed him, if God had hurt him for not following the strict orders of Heaven. He wondered if free will was over the line, if love was forbidden, if both of them would die for everything that had happened. Dean got no sleep that night, pacing the carpets until they were surely worn out._

_The same procedure followed the next day. Dean wore his jacket, the cold biting right through him as he walked, seemingly dead to the world. Nothing felt the same, everything felt dull. His routine with Castiel had gone on for just about a month. Every morning there was their same walk to school, after Castiel was found waiting under the same lamppost._

_Dean felt the sinking feeling hit lower and lower. He prayed again, prayed incessantly. Each prayer was different, pleading, asking, nearly angry, upset, scared. Each one was a different string of words held on rope that was near snapping. Everything reminded him of Cas now, the route they took, the park, the opening, the Biology classroom at school. Things felt like a graveyard, like an abandoned town. When Dean got back to the motel the Impala was still absent. The hunt wasn't over. Dean still didn't sleep, watching the window instead, as if under the flickering light of the lamppost Castiel would appear. He didn't._

_The next morning the sun rose dully, the sky clouded so vibrant colors were concealed. Dean heard the crunch of the motel parking lot gravel. In the early hours of the morning, just before sunrise, the Impala was back, his father emerging with the biggest smile on his face. Dean's frown could have matched that smile and drove it far away. The hunt was over. It was official. Castiel was gone, even though his last words weren't. 'I'll always love you Dean, no matter what. I promise.'_

~~

_Dean never forgot what had happened. He had prayed every day and every night for months afterwards. He had refused to believe it, to believe that Castiel had left without even a goodbye. Dean became sure he had died. The Castiel he knew would never have done that. Never. There must've been some fatal accident, something unpredictable that Castiel never saw coming. And Dean never saw the truth of heartbreak coming. It was ten times worse than he had expected. He swore that he had had something torn from inside of him, something that he still felt. Until it was obliterated._

_He never stopped praying, not until six months later. 'Castiel? Cas? Angel? Remember how I used to call you angel? And we'd walk to school together, I'd give you my jacket, you'd refuse it but you always ended up taking it...' 'Do you remember our first kiss? I do. Remember how you were so scared, you thought you had messed up until I kissed you back? And I showed you cuddling, I took your head in my lap and watched your blue eyes, those beautiful blue eyes...' 'Remember the first time you said 'I love you?' We were under the stars, watching the stars. That's where we were the last night I saw you too. That same place...' The angry prayers started after those ones. 'Castiel, goddamnit, you said you'd answer! You said you would listen, that you would hear me! Can you hear me now?' 'Enjoying Heaven? I hope you are, I'm down here wallowing in my own fucking self pity you insufferable moron!' 'Fuck you Castiel, fuck you! You're supposed to hear me, you're supposed to answer! You were my guardian angel and you fucked me over...' Then the desperate ones, the unsure ones. 'Did you die Cas, did you get blown apart by God because of out interspecies love affair? Was that it?' 'Castiel, did you stop loving me? I'm sure you did, you must've. You would've answered if you had, if you did...' The last prayer he ever said was, 'Remember how I said 'I love you?' Remember how I said I would always love you? I'm taking that back now Castiel. It's long overdue.'_

_The prayers stopped, but the thoughts didn't. Dean tried to forget him, tried to find something to make up for what he lost. He made out with girls constantly, every school he went to a new girl to 'date,' hoping that maybe one, just one single one of them would taste like Castiel. None of them did, they only tasted bitter. Dean never told another living soul about it. He continued to grin and bear it, joining hunts with his dad, teaching Sam things like how to shoot and load a shotgun. But half the time he did it the name 'Castiel' was whispering by like a breeze through his mind. He couldn't help it. He couldn't forget. That's all he wanted to do. Forget._

_One night, years later, when he was twenty bordering twenty-one he found himself alone in another cheap motel. He didn't care where, all he cared about was the fact that the creeping memory of Castiel was once again worming its way into his brain. And there was an unopened, Jack Daniel's on the counter. Naturally, he would drink himself into oblivion, the proper way to get rid of intrusive thoughts. He was standing up to wander to the counter when there was a noise, a quiet almost unheard rustling that came from behind him._

_Slowly, he slid his hand down to his gun that was tucked into his jeans before whipping around, safety already unlatched. "Shoot if you'd like. It won't hurt me," a gruff voice uttered, his hands already up. Dean didn't recognize him at first, not with the dirty trench coat and blue tie, the five o'clock shadow already appearing. Alarm bells rang in the back of his head before something clicked into place._

_"Castiel," he breathed out. At first he stood, unsure of what to do next, his heart running rampant in every direction. Then, the strongest emotion took hold. Anger. He leaped forward, slamming into Cas, taking a fistful of his trench coat and landing one fierce punch to his face. His fist told him to stop but his heart screamed at him to keep going. So he did. He punched and kicked and slammed until he was breathing heavy and his knuckles were bloody. Castiel lay slumped against the wall, bleeding and bruised just about everywhere._

_"Feel better?" he murmured. Dean couldn't formulate words for a straight minute._

_"You- you left me. You fucking left and I had no clue where you had gone. I thought you were dead Cas-" The name escaped his lips unwarranted, and he immediately regretted it once it did. Castiel stayed quiet, letting Dean talk until he was done. "You son of a bitch, I prayed to you night and day for six goddam months. You didn't answer, not once you fucker." He debated saying more, debated talking about love when it had been years. His heart decided for him. "You were the first fucking thing I loved and I have not loved the same since that day, you understand? You promised Castiel, you promised!" he shouted, his voice shaking. He was amazed words were even coming out of his mouth when he felt this way, when he felt so confused, so torn apart. Castiel finally spoke, coughing up blood._

_"I can explain, but you'd rather I not. Instead, I can offer you something." Dean snorted._

_"What, years of my life back?"_

_"I can take your memories." Dean blinked. "I can take them from you and keep them. I can always return them if there's ever a day where you want them, however, I doubt our paths will cross again." Dean thought for a moment. His thoughts were cloudy and fogged, each one racing to the front of his mind. He really should've thought about it longer, should've asked him at least one goddam question, but everything was happening at once. All he wanted was to forget, to forget the heartache and the stupid teenage love and stupid Castiel. He decided he wanted to forget. He did._

_"Do it," he said shakily, approaching Castiel._

_"Are you sure about this Dean?" Dean flinched at the sound of his name on Cas' tongue._

_"Yes. Just do it." He watched as Castiel picked himself up, spitting more blood out. He stood a couple of inches away from Dean, Dean who could see his eyes, the blue ones he remembered so fondly. He remembered the warmth they held after the weeks they shared together, and he remembered the cold they had held when they met. He was greeted with ice, the thawing of a frozen lake he had done long ago was gone. They were ice now, ice again and for what he presumed to be forever. But then there was a flicker, one single second flicker passing over them. Something Dean couldn't quite read, not until Castiel's fingers were centimeters away from his forehead._

_"Goodbye Dean."_

_Love. That was what had flickered across them, what stayed for a fleeting moment. But it was too late, because now the world had faded to black._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'll just leave this here *ahem*


	9. Falling in Love Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean fully expected to wake up with a gasp for air, finding Sam sitting next to him telling him he had been out for a few days, but he didn't. After the memories had run their course and his emotions had gone all over the place, there was a pause.

Dean fully expected to wake up with a gasp for air, finding Sam sitting next to him telling him he had been out for a few days, but he didn't. After the memories had run their course and his emotions had gone all over the place, there was a pause. At first it was blackness, purely nothing, but then it faded into another memory. A memory that wasn't his. It was Castiel's memory, just one single one, one that Dean figured he would say was an explanation for leaving. Dean could feel a dulled version of what Castiel felt, he could see what Castiel saw. And it broke his heart. Again.

~~

_Castiel stood calmly under the lamppost, his senses focused on Dean, making sure he was okay. He felt content like this, protecting Dean, guarding him. It made him feel as though he had a purpose. It was more than a mission now, it was simply making sure Dean was safe, it was loving him._

_Castiel would never have imagined being able to feel like this, to understand things he knew most angels didn't. And for that, he would be forever grateful towards Dean. He didn't like to think about returning to Heaven, not one bit. If he could he would have stayed with Dean on Earth, he would've shown him things, shown him the beauty of his Father's creation. But he would have to return to Heaven, knowing that heartbreak would come. That is, after all, why he asked Dean about broken hearts. He knew that happiness never stayed, not for angels at least, he was unsure about humans. He hoped it was different for humans. He hoped that Dean wouldn't have to feel heartbreak, he hoped that he wouldn't be the one to cause that._

_His stream of conscious thought was upset by a presence that he sensed before it appeared. "Castiel," a voice spoke from beyond the light of the lamppost. It was a deep, serious voice, and Castiel knew immediately that it was bad news. He went to release his angel blade, set on protecting Dean, but the voice which soon presented itself stopped him. "Do not fear me brother, I mean no harm." A tall and lithe man stepped closer towards Castiel, his face solemn, cool green eyes staring back at him. He squinted, unable to recognize the man for a moment. Then it hit him._

_"Chamuel," he said, the archangel standing in front of him giving a slight nod of his head. Castiel's heart dropped for a moment. There was an important reason why he was here. "Why are you here?" he asked._

_"Castiel, your mission was not to understand humanity, nor to love. Your mission was clear: to protect Dean Winchester." Castiel narrowed his eyes._

_"Has God sent you?" Chamuel shifted on his feet._

_"No. However, you know of my place in the hierarchy of angels. I know when an angel is straying away from God, Castiel," he stated strictly. "I come to replace your post. You mustn't become a rogue angel, you must resume your place in Heaven as a soldier of God." Castiel felt his whole heart begin to crack, tiny fissures breaking through him._

_"I can't leave," he said, his voice shaking. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, he couldn't leave like this._

_"Castiel, you must abide by my orders. You cannot harm me, I am far more powerful than you," he said, able to see what Castiel was thinking. He was right, there was no escaping this, it was time for him to return to Heaven._

_"I have to say goodbye to Dean," he said quietly, looking over to the motel._

_"No Castiel, you must go now." Castiel couldn't tear his eyes away from the room where Dean stayed. There was no way he could get out of this, not with an archangel ordering him. "I will take good care of him, you need not worry. He will be safe." That was all Castiel had to go on, the word of Chamuel, nothing else. With one saddened glance, one sorrowful breath, he left, escaping his vessel, traveling upwards all the way to Heaven. Dean was right, broken hearts felt like being torn apart. And love was not simple, it never was._

~~

Dean's eyes fluttered open, finding the plain whiteness of the ceiling in front of him instead of Castiel's eyes. "Dean! Oh thank God," Sam said, the words sounding strange in Dean's ears. He blinked before sitting up in what was his own bed.

"How long have I been out for?" he croaked, his voice cracking. 

"Not that long, you've only been out like five hours, but I thought I was gonna have to take you to the hospital. You were fine though, your pulse was fine, your breathing, everything seemed okay, I just figured-"

"Where's Cas?" Dean immediately asked, clearing his throat. If he had only been out a couple hours, Castiel must've taken the brunt force of the memories, leaving him worse than Dean. Sam looked away. "Sam, where's Cas?" Dean asked a little more forcefully this time.

"Dean, he's in pretty bad shape. I put him in one of the bedrooms-" Sam didn't have to say anymore before Dean had leapt up, a little wobbly on his feet, grasping onto the wall as he found his way towards where Cas was, looking as if he were asleep.

"Cas," Dean simply breathed out, his vision blurring as he walked up to Castiel. Sam stood in the doorway, refraining from saying anything to Dean. Dean just watched him, biting his lip, carding through all the memories he just saw. He could still see his chest rising and falling, his breathing shallow. 

Dean was angry, he was fuming when he had seen Castiel come back to take his memories. He figured that Cas would've gotten a couple more punches when he came to; but then he watched Castiel's memory. When he watched his memory, felt what Castiel had felt, his anger washed away. Castiel never wanted to leave, not without a goodbye, but he couldn't, not with that angel watching his every move. And even then he had made sure that he was in good hands, that he would be safe. It wasn't Castiel's fault, it really wasn't. 

Of course, Dean still needed things explained to him, like why Castiel never answered his prayers, or why he offered to take his memories in the first place. But right now he was worried about Castiel, he was worried about if he would even find his way back to health to explain. So Dean sat there, deciding that it was Castiel's turn to be protected, to be watched over. And after all those memories, those stupid memories, he decided that the love that grew had never left, that it could be repaired, even after Cas' mistakes, even after every stupid thing he did. Because half of the things he did, he did for Dean. And Dean decided to return the favor.

\---

Dean sat by Castiel's bed for three days straight. He nearly never left. He didn't eat, he didn't talk, he just prayed, prayed silently, because he still remembered Castiel's words. 'I'll always hear, I'll always listen.' Dean still believed him, even after years of not answering, he still believed that he had heard him, every prayer that was said through anger, through denial, through hope. He was sure of it. 'Cas, buddy, you with me? I know you are, I know you can hear me. Cas you have to pull through please, I can't risk losing you again.' 'Remember I used to call you 'angel' and it would make you happy? Well it's not too late Cas, it's not too late for cheesy pet names and walks in the park. I promise.' 'Cas, I know you can hear me, I know you can get through this, I know it. Come on Cas, pull through.'

On the third day Sam came in, hesitantly approaching Dean. "Dean, it might, he might not make it, you have to eat, you have to do something," he said quietly. 

"No," Dean responded curtly, not turning to face Sam. "Sam, he's gonna make it, I know he will." Sam sighed.

"Dean, it's been three days-"

"Sam," Dean cut him off with a warning tone. Sam left the room, glancing back at Dean who sat still as a stone. Dean never wanted to admit it, never wanted to even think about it, but Sam had a point. It had been three days and nothing had happened, not a single peep from Cas. He couldn't leave like this, not without a goodbye, not again. Not when he already took the force of the memories from Dean so that he would be okay, not when he had sacrificed so much for him, not after everything. 

It was like a bad romance novel, one where the protagonist dies after confessing their love. It couldn't be like that, it wasn't supposed to be like that. Dean sighed, rubbing his face with his hand. He had to do something, anything. So he sent out a prayer, what he thought might be his last one, the last one that Cas would hear. 'Cas, you told me you messed up before, that you messed up big time. You did, I admit that, but not bad enough to deserve this. I loved you Castiel, and even though that's past tense, that doesn't mean it has to stay that way. I never felt the same way towards anyone, not once. And if you die, then Cas, I won't feel the same way ever again. And that's a promise.' He closed his eyes tight, not wanting to imagine a world without Castiel. 

Then he felt it. He had no idea how he did, but he did, he felt it. He felt Castiel, felt him next to him, felt him breathing in a new way, a way he hadn't for days. And when Dean opened his eyes, he found blue ones staring back, ones that were warm once again, ones that he wanted to dive into, ones that made his heart leap. "Dean," Castiel whispered, taking in the sight of Dean, the sight of a tired, sick looking Dean, who was glowing still, glowing because Castiel was okay, and that was all he wanted.

"Cas, Cas you're okay, you're alive," he marveled, his hand finding Castiel's face out of instinct. 

"Punch me."

"What?" Castiel cleared his throat, squeezing his eyes shut.

"You want to punch me, I deserve to be punched, so just get it over with." Dean simply stroked his thumb over Castiel's cheekbone, Castiel opening one eye in confusion. "Dean you-"

"Cas I'm not gonna punch you, I'd rather kiss you," Dean said quietly, chuckling when Cas blushed. "But you have some explaining to do still," he said, pulling his hand away so Castiel could sit up. Castiel began to apologize, but Dean cut him off. "Hey, hey, don't apologize, explain first, 'kay?" Castiel nodded, facing Dean.

"You want me to start off after my memory?" Dean nodded, and Castiel took a deep breath. "I felt awful for letting Chamuel watch over you, I realized afterwards that I should've stayed to make sure you were safe. Then, after I got recalled into Heaven I- I heard your prayers. They broke my heart, but I couldn't answer them, or at least I thought. I realized later on that there were better ways I could've handled the situation, ways I could've answered. But Heaven was so strict, and I was still so low in the ranks of angels, I just, I didn't know what to do." 

He paused before continuing. "I watched you from Heaven, and you broke my heart going after all those other girls and I just..." He shook his head with a sigh. "I became angry, I thought you never loved me, I thought... I just thought that it was finally over, and I tried to move on. You stopped praying to me, but I could sense your longing and finally it hit me, that I could take away your pain, or so I thought. I figured taking your memories would keep you from hurting so I took them. I went and asked you and I thought we would never meet again, that we would never see each other, so I thought it was safe." He glanced up at Dean shyly. Dean looked sadly down at the ground.

"You... you didn't keep your promise then, that you would always love me," he muttered. Castiel put his hand out, lifting up Dean's chin so he could look him in the eye.

"No, Dean. I never broke that promise. I was sure I had for years, but then the siege of angels was sent to Hell, and I heard your name and I... I was the only one that recognized you, I was the one who found you and I pieced you together. And then I felt so selfish. I had your memories still, and that night in the barn when you were meeting me for what you thought was the first time, well, everything hurt more. 

I tried to ignore it and I tried to let Uriel boss me around and then I realized I had a soft spot for you still, and then I rebelled and then I messed up and I died three times and I kept getting put back together and I had no idea why until..." He stopped, biting the inside of his cheek before he continued. "Joshua, the gardener, he called me up to Heaven and he told me that the mission, the one where I was to watch over you, God gave me that mission so I could meet you, so we could..." The words got stuck in his throat, scared to come out. "So we could fall in love. He said that I was supposed to be the first angel to find love and to find free will. I wasn't supposed to take your memories, I was supposed to love you. 

But then I had no idea when to give them back because you can't justify taking someone's memories and they were just so different from what I thought you felt, I always thought that you had thought of me as a friend and I didn't know what to do until that opportunity with the truth spell and the djinn so I figured I could sneak them back in dreams and I just, I'm sorry Dean," he trailed off quietly, looking up at Dean apologetically. Dean was at a loss for words. 

Unsure of what to do next, he let his heart decide once again. And it made the right choice this time. He fit his hands on either side of Castiel's head, bringing him forward, and kissing him softly, just as they had the first time, the time he now remembered. It was the same, the same pause in time, the softness of his lips, the proud flutter of his heart. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears, the same warm feeling spreading over him, his whole body melting towards Castiel in what had to be bliss. 

He licked into Castiel's mouth, deepening the kiss to find that indescribable, purely amazing taste that he had spent years trying to find presenting itself proudly to him. It was a moment he had been sure he would never have again, a glimpse of perfection in what was the most imperfect world. Castiel met him eagerly, starving for what he had craved years on end. The kiss could have easily grown heated, desire sprouting between them, but Dean pulled away, wanting to savor the moment in its innocence. 

"We're gonna make this work, I don't care how, but Cas, it's gonna work this time," Dean said, his eyes searching Castiel's face. Castiel smiled wide.

"You really mean that Dean?" he whispered to which Dean kissed him once more.

"Yes Cas, I really mean it."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S NOT OVER YET THOUGH.


	10. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, here it is, the very last of what has to be the most drawn out fic ever!!

The next month was a blur of love and happiness for both Dean and Castiel. Their relationship bloomed, each one learning something about the other constantly. Every morning when Dean got up to make his coffee, Castiel would always be sitting at the table, a smile growing on his face when Dean appeared. "Morning angel," Dean would mutter, giving Cas a quick kiss. By now they would have to rent two separate rooms when they stayed at motels, Sam always remembering to rent a room far away from theirs after finding out that they could be particularly loud most hours of the night. And Dean still had a slight fixation with Castiel's wings, thought he would never admit it. "Hey Cas?"

"Hm?"

"Can I see your wings again?" Dean asked hopefully. Castiel smiled over at Dean who sat on the couch.

"C'mon, I'll show you them outside, it's more comfortable that way," he said, taking Dean's hand and leading him outside. When they were both outside, Castiel adjusted his shoulders, the familiar sound of rustling feathers unfolding into the same magnificent wings. They were still charcoal black, shimmering in the daylight, gray dusted around them with faint speckles of white.

"They're beautiful Cas, just like before," Dean said quietly, approaching them. Castiel smiled, ruffling them in response. "Can I still touch them?" he asked hesitantly. 

"Go ahead," Cas responded, watching Dean with rapture. Dean was always extremely careful, his fingertips smoothly gliding along feathers that still felt like water. Of course it would take a lot to hurt Castiel, and Dean knew that, but still he was always gentle, especially with his wings. Castiel melted under the sensation, Dean's hand running softly from the whole length of his long wingspan. His eyes closed, Dean watching his reactions fondly. 

"You still like when I touch them?" he asked softly, smiling when Castiel nodded earnestly. His wings stretching out as far as they could go, a little contented look graced his features. "You look beautiful like this angel," Dean murmured near Castiel's ear, stroking the ridge of his wing. Castiel blushed, his eyes fluttering open, finding Dean's. 

"Thank you Dean," he whispered, pulling Dean closer to him for a kiss. Dean also got to teach Castiel all the different ways to cuddle, sometimes ending up in laughter, other times ending up with him falling asleep. Castiel secretly enjoyed each time Dean fell asleep while they were cuddling, he always like to keep Dean warm and close when he slept, feeling admiration creep through him whenever he saw the innocent, sweet look on Dean's face. Sometimes while Dean was in the middle of falling asleep, or once he was already asleep, Castiel would lay soft kisses over each of Dean's freckled eyelids, wishing him sweet dreams. Dean also found that he loved to watch Cas squirm, so sometimes he'd sit across the room and silently pray to him, usually saying dirty things. Castiel sat about twenty feet away, Dean smirking as he silently spoke, Castiel's eyes widening immediately. "Dean!" he hissed from across the room. "That's not- oh... oh." Dean chuckled to himself, watching as the tips of Castiel's ears burned bright red along with his cheeks. He glared over at Dean. "Dean this is not the proper use of prayer, you shouldn't..." he trailed off as Dean said more and more, each sentence ringing loudly in his head. "Dean, stop!" he hissed. "You're making me... you know..." Dean got up, walking over to Castiel.

"What? Turned on?" he whispered, his breath ghosting Castiel's jawline. "Well, are you gonna answer my prayers? Or not?" he asked, watching Castiel shift underneath him. Castiel looked up at him with eyes that were already lust blown wide.

"I think I should." 

The two were always content when there wasn't a case going on, they would treat it like a day off, Dean showing Cas his favorite movies while they sat on the couch, always ending in some sort of banter. Cas sat contentedly one night when a piece of popcorn hit him right in the face. 

"I'm getting you back for that," he said, trying to hide a smile. Dean grinned back.

"Give me all you got," he said back, throwing another piece of popcorn Cas' way. Castiel pounced on top of Dean, pinning him down to the couch. "Should I be intimidated?" Dean murmured from underneath him, smiling softly.

"Yes, you should," Castiel said before poking Dean once in the side, causing him to jump. The realization hit him as he looked up at Cas with a grin.

"You wouldn't dare," he said, watching as Castiel raised one hand.

"Oh I would," he claimed before wiggling his fingers over Dean's sides, Dean already shaking with laughter.

"Cas stop! You're using my weaknesses against me!" he said between laughs. Cas smiled down at him, amused when he tried to wriggle out from underneath him.

"You're not going anywhere," he said, tickling Dean even more furiously. Dean's hands scrabbled for purchase, grasping onto whatever they could find.

"Cas you nerd, let me go!" he said, even though he was smiling. Castiel stopped, still trapping Dean underneath him.

"You're cute when you're being tickled, you know that?" he muttered, nuzzling into Dean's shoulder. 

"Shut up," Dean replied, smiling, his hand sweeping through Castiel's hair. Cas had the same reaction he had years ago, a soft little purr escaping his lips. Dean chuckled, his hand never leaving Cas' head. "Still like being touched, huh?" he whispered, Castiel smiling at him.

"As long as you're the one touching me," he murmured softly, giving Dean a kiss.

Later on, maybe a couple months after they had been together, Dean packed up the car, leaving Sam to hold down the bunker while he grabbed Cas, telling him they were going out on a road trip. "You know I can transport us wherever you wanna go Dean," Castiel told him as Dean started the car.

"I know. Trust me, it's nicer this way," he claimed, pulling onto the highway. The two rode in interspersed silences, talking occasionally, joking around, talking about anything and everything. They drove for what felt like forever before Castiel saw it. A sign that read, 'Pontiac, Illinois.' He looked over at Dean, amazed that he was actually doing this.

"Are you- are we really-?"

"Yup," Dean said, a smile on his face. "There's somewhere I wanna go, I haven't been in a while." They drove a little longer until they reached a familiar sight. Dean pulled over, looking at Cas before getting out.

"You know you're really romantic for someone who isn't into chick flicks?" Castiel remarked, making Dean blush slightly.

"Oh, be quiet," he hushed Castiel as he took his hand, walking over to the the same opening that remained even over years and years. Dean timed the drive so they were there during nighttime, pulling Castiel down next to him. Castiel smiled wide as Dean sighed, cuddling up next to him. The stars were beautiful, just like they had been years and years ago. And Dean remembered what he had thought as he lay under the stars then. How he had thought of where home was, if there even was a home to begin with. Of course, now he had the bunker where Sam and him and pretty much Castiel lived too. But even then, sometimes it didn't feel like home, it didn't feel like warmth and comfort. It just felt like a place to live. Then Castiel spoke.

"Dean?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you." And then it hit him, the power of those words, the way that even after hearing it so many times, so many different places, he still managed to feel his insides jump. And he remembered what he had thought, what he had told himself. How him, Castiel, Angel of the Lord, had said those three words and he had decided that that was where home was. Smiling widely, he decided that yes, those three words spoken from Castiel, uttered from his lips, those words were home. So if he was lost, if he was broken, he would use the stars as his guide, and he would find Castiel, those words on his lips. And that would be home. That was home.

"I love you too Castiel."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom, bam, bang, done. Hope everybody liked it, and thank you all so so much for reading, it really means the world to me :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello once again! So I really hope you enjoyed reading that, feedback of all sorts is tremendously and greatly appreciated!! I'm happy to listen to what any of you have to say, and thank you so so much for reading, it means a lot to me!!! :)


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